Looking Outside of Your Race to Find Love
Photo provided by Associated Press
By Sway Contributor Odeen Eccleston
Since before I had attained my first kiss, let alone attained my psychology degree, older friends, relatives, strangers and acquaintances had appointed me their resident relationship advisor. Maybe this was because by the time I was twelve I had furtively read about a dozen adult-content relationship books behind my parents’ back; paperbacks like “The Rules” and “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” were my secret delights.
Perhaps it was that ‘educational’ reading material, combined with an infamously old soul that equipped me with the wherewithal to counsel and direct others, often much to their surprise. Little has changed since then- I still enjoy being the go-to girl for my girlfriends, guy-friends and acquaintances, and to strangers who write to me on many issues including matters of the heart, but what has changed as of late is the collective landscape of their concerns with regards to relationships.
Whereas in the past it was “Odeen, how do I get my man to communicate with me more effectively”, or “what do you think I should get my boyfriend for his birthday after only 3 months of dating?”, lately, I have been inundated with questions and emails that are more like: “Where can I go to find a good guy?”, “Odeen, I’m smart and beautiful- why have I been single for the past 5 years?” and disheartening statements like “I give up…there are no good guys out there for me…guess I’ll never get married”. And while I respond by proverbially slapping them on their wrists for uttering such negative phrases aloud, I understand that the rationale behind their worries is indeed legitimate.
Their fears of being single forever are being sparked by such startling statistics as “42% Of Black Successful Women are single”, a claim purported by ABC News Nightline’s popular piece “Black women Unmarried”..a segment that has gone viral since it first aired at the beginning of 2010. Other statistics like “72 percent of black children are born out of wedlock”(New York Daily News, Nov 8/2010), are also terribly unnerving for single black women to read and hear about as their biological clocks continue to tick.
While knowledge of such dismal statistics only further depress some black women, other gals are spurred into a more practical frame of mind where their dating options are concerned. These are the single ladies who once would have settled for nothing less than the stringent standards that described their “soul mate”: a muscular, handsome, at least 6’2” tall, super-successful, perfect pearly white teeth, morally-sound, Ivy-league educated yet street-smart, emotionally available, eligible black man…with a sprinkle of edge.
These same women have now smartened up and realized: there are only so many “tall, super-successful, Ivy-League educated, eligible, emotionally available black men” to go around, so if they desire not to be a “black woman unmarried” by the time they are a particular age they will have to adjust their criteria for finding their perfect match..at least a tad.
Some damsels may lighten up on the minimal height prerequisite of men they will consider, other females will become more lenient about the education obligation that they once held so dear, many might make exceptions in the income potential category. But after decreasing their standards in almost every way, and when these lovely ladies are still noticeably deficient of the love they need and crave as human beings, some realize there is only one other bullet-point on their wish-lists and vision boards that they have yet to omit: the race requirement.
After exhausting all other options it becomes time for them to be pragmatic- if they want to be realistic about goals of marriage and children they may have to come to terms with the fact that their soul mate may be someone who happens to be outside their race. So with their mentality shifted, they put on their colour-blinding glasses and approach the dating world differently in hopes of diversifying their prospect portfolio.
Celebrity blogger Nikki Oh of OhverlyCritical.com says that more and more black women in Hollywood are finding love outside of their race, likely for the same reasons as civilians, “Black women, even famous black women are running out of options,” she says. “Finding a good black man nowadays seems to be a great struggle for all of us, even the rich, beautiful and famous”.
When I asked the blogger to name a couple of examples of famous black women who are dating non-black men, she had quite an extensive and impressive list of bona-fide stars who did not limit their potential for love with race restrictions. “Halle Berry started dating a handsome French-Canadian model named Gabriel Aubry after many unsuccessful relationships with black men including a failed marriage with R& B singer Eric Benet. Halle and Gabriel had a daughter together and eventually parted ways but now she’s dating another white hunk- actor Olivier Martinez”.
She continued with more substantiating evidence: “Thandie Newton is married and has children with white producer, singer Heather Headley is married to a white athlete, Tamera Mowry is currently engaged to a Fox News correspondent who is white, Rozonda Thomas (Chilli from TLC) has recently been spotted on the red carpet with a gorgeous white guy, the Rapper Eve has been seen on dates with white guys, even multi-millionaire mogul Raven Symone is rumoured to be dating a white man as well..”. When I asked Nikki, who is single herself, for her take on black women dating outside their race, she replied openly: “I think it’s about time, and I 100% agree with the notion of black women dating outside our race because black men have been dating non-black women for a long time and don’t think twice about doing so…so it only make sense that we open our options as well.” Makes sense to me.
For some black women, though, the idea of being with someone outside of their own race is outside of their comfort zone if not unfathomable. Perhaps they have yet to meet a non-black man who made them feel giddy inside or that they feel that oh-so-special “spark” with. Maybe some belles are afraid of how they will be perceived by their peers and family members. For other females, it’s often just a general fear of the unknown- for though they have been raised in a multicultural society and were born in a “white man’s world”, they have yet to fully know the mind, body or soul of any man outside their own race on a personal level- and what we as humans don’t know and/or understand, we fear.
My take: Instead of allowing awareness obtained from the recently publicized ratios and statistics about the unprecedented prevalence of black single women scare and discourage you, let this information empower you. If you’re single and interested in not being single, continue to think positively about yourself, positively about finding love and avoid being closed minded when it comes to race. The similarities between races far outweigh the differences. Know what you want- and settle for nothing less, but don’t knit-pick; be open minded on transient factors such height, income, age (within reason) and race. Let go of fear and take grasp of love; a 2010 type of love, where among other things, race does not marginalize us and limit our potential for finding affection. Listen to your heart and enjoy the gift of love- in which ever colour God happens to package it in for you in.
If you are single, would you look outside of your race to find love? Or is a guy being another race a deal breaker for you? Are you currently dating or have you ever dated someone that is not the same race that you are? Discuss.
Have any relationship questions for Odeen? Don’t hesitate to email her at: [email protected], or check out her website at www.MissTorontoRealtor.com
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Great article. Great Read. Realistically though white guys never approach me & as you mentioned, i don’t feel that spark with them unfortuantely. Not sure i ever will.
I strongly feel that interracial relationships are not for everyone. A couple that decides explore this not only have to deal with the everyday relationship issues, but also tackle matters having to do with how they were raised, different cultural and social norms.
The family factor has to be taken into consideration. Some ppl may come from ‘old school’ parents who are not open to interracial marriages. The likelihood of being ostracized from your family, and not having their backing on one of the most important day of your life is a reality. Imagine going to a family picknick and you being the only white or black person there. Immediately the psychological constructs of an ingroup vs outgroup prevails whether we are aware of this or not. Ppl in that extended family may not be as open to accepting that member, or even be mean and rude that the person in an effort to drive or ruin the relationship. Thick skin is a required prerequisite if contemplating going down this road.
Then there is also the societal factor. Many people in this day and age have yet to come to grips with interracial relationships. Although they are growing in number, most have yet to gain acceptance from the general public. Take for example the wall street brother or professional athlete who marries a white woman. Most African american women consider them a sellout, or afraid of a strong black woman. On the contrary, a beautiful black woman with a white man or man of another race would be looked at similarly from the black man as being above her own race (these are stereotypes). Dealing with these extra pair of eyes always trailing you, looks of jealousy/hatred from people within your race, ppl looking down at you considering u to be a sellout is sometimes too much for ppl to handle.
Ultimately its up to the individual, but there are more factors that come to play in a decision like this. Women should consider omitting ridiculous standards like the writer of this article stated, exhaust all resources (friends, family), and never go into any situation with a closed mind.
PS
That white boy played Halle Berry like the so called ‘typical black dude’ would..
- they hooked up
- had a baby out of wedlock
- split up
- he her baby daddy now
How was he any better? Same story, different colour
There are plenty of career oriented, intelligent blackmen out there wanting to raise families and break the messed up cycle of babymother/babyfather norm that has become prevalent in our culture.
#imjustsaying
In a utopian society where prejudice, stereotypes, discrimination and racism doesn’t exist interracial relationships would flourish.
If you look within yourself, u may be surprised to find that stereotyped thinking and prejudices have been ingrained in you from an early age. The main factors responsible vary from environmental/societal, media, parents, etc.
However, I want to extrapolate this article and assume that two people of different races get married. Think for moment about the children. Studies have shown that children raised from parents of different races have a hard time identifying with which race they belong. Many products of inter-race relationships have found to experience that Black society does not readily accept them, neither does white society. Those children tend to grow up with an identity crisis. If you look at any official government documentation, none caters to the biracial person (its either your white, black, asian etc). The only option that is available is “other”..so essentially what does it make that person, not human, an alien possibly?
Anyone considering an interracial relationship needs to look past themselves and think about the problems and issues a biracial child will have to deal with (and you as parents wont be able to relate/empathize with).
The fault is all on the black sisters. I am happily married to a white woman with 3 beautiful children.
Growing up I tried my hardest to be with a black girl in highschool. But none of them ever accepted me. I wasn’t ‘cool’ enough I guess. I didn’t have the designer clothing, or the thuggish/badboy attitude that black girls gravitated towards (due to mainstream media, Beyonce I need a solider/dmx why do good girls like bad guys etc). I was just a regular guy, working a job, supporting my mother and focusing on school. I didn’t have time nor was I interested in running the streets. Everytime I approached you black girls, you never gave me the time of day. I laughed at, ridiculed, mocked, simply because i didn’t think being a thug, and carrying a gun, or being a really skilled basketball player/rapper/ or drug dealer was hot.
Then i went to university, where I didn’t see many of my own kind. And i must say for the first time in my life i was actually accepted for being me. The white girls showed me love. They appreciated my goal oriented demeanor and my aspirations. I was the same old me, but finally found acceptance. Its you black girls that drove me and many others just like me away. Ive been scarred to be honest..Ever since high school I never tried to approach a black girl again because I was tired of the rejection.
So before you start u sisters start talking about brothers who went ‘astray’ and began dating white girls…its only because you drove us away!
I agree with the dude about me…First you black chicks hate on the nerds and the brothers who are tryna do something positive with our lives. And then when you grow up to realize that the dudes in high school aint saying much for the future, u want us to go back to u?
Forget that…
U girls can keep ur thugs and drug dealing babydaddy’s…
like 50 cent said, in high school u was the mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn homey, what the **** happened to u?
I think one of the major issues with black people is the divisions that exists within us. Society does not distinguish between West Africans, East Africans, Caribbean and the likes. We are all lumped into a black category. However, we tend to have a superiority complex, as many of us feel that they are better than another black person because of their country of origin, culture or skin complexion. There is nothing wrong with being proud of where you are from, but we must stop making destructive distinctions among ourselves. I think this is a unique trait that only applies to us, you don’t normally see these divisions among Europeans.
The reason why I mention the above is because I met many women both African-Canadian and Caribbean Canadian who have stated they would never date a member outside of their own cultural group. We already live in a country where we are a minority. Further divisions within this minority will only lead to a smaller the pool of good black men.
So my advice to the sisters out there is to embrace all black people irrespective of where they are originally from. And at that point if your still not able to find someone, then definitely go out and explore…
Just my two cents
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