The Lovezone with Geena Lee: The Ex Factor

13 April 2011 No Comments

By Geena Lee

“If you see me walking down the street, and I start to cry each time we meet, walk on by…” – Issac Hayes

Spring is here, and that usually signals a time for new beginnings; clearing out the old for the new, whether it be in your closet or your heart. It’s time to clear out the cobwebs and banish the ghosts of relationships past, so that you can move forward into the new season without the burden of the ubiquitous ‘ex’. If you’re truly ready to let go of the emotional baggage, say no to what’s bad so you can say yes to what’s good, here are some steps you can take to get to that next level of being relationship-ready, or just comfortable with your new singledom.

First things first. Press delete. That’s right, unfollow them on Twitter, unfriend them on Facebook, remove them from your instant online messenger, don’t forget Skype, and of course, your cell phone. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t say this was going to be easy! But you have to do it! If you keep checking their status updates, reading their wall and tweets, keep checking to see if they pop up in your chat window online, you’ll drive yourself crazy, and you’re definitely not going to get over them any time soon. So do yourself a favour, and delete them. Now, if your ex is also a parent of your child, still delete them from all the social networking stuff, and if you must keep them in your phone, change their name to ‘Janice’s dad’ or ‘Jason’s mom’, so you don’t associate their name with you, you associate it with your child, who’s really the most important one in the equation here.

Next thing, keep it moving. To get over it, you must get on with it. Now you’re solo, so what? This is an opportunity to focus on you, reconnecting with who you are and what makes you happy. Dress in your best every day, workout regularly, get in touch with your spiritual side, take up a new hobby, and if you can, take a trip. Change up your scenery; get away from the familiar places that may trigger old painful memories. Speaking of memories, nothing brings those back sharper than a picture. If you have any around of you and your ex, get rid of them, or put them away in a box or computer folder until you’re ready to delete them. Maybe you’ll never do that, but while you’re trying to get over an ex, it’s best to not have images of them around. Another thing…if they used to live with you, buy new bed sheets, rearrange the furniture, and paint the walls a different colour.

While you’re keeping busy and keeping positive, don’t forget to look for the lesson. Friends come in handy for this. You need someone to talk it over with; not that you have to tell everybody your business, but pick a few close friends to share your pain with, and hopefully they each can give you not only support but perspective. Don’t be afraid to see a therapist. Whomever you decide to speak to, do be honest with yourself and be willing to explore the tough questions. Try to figure out why you’re having trouble letting go; examine your regrets, your guilt, your anger. Don’t beat yourself up about the ‘shoulda woulda coulda’s’. Remember, no matter how it ended, if you learnt from it, it was a successful relationship.

Final tip: Focus. Now’s not the time to let your mind wander, because it’ll meander on down memory lane, and you don’t need that right now. Replace thoughts of your ex with thoughts of your next vacation, or thoughts of your next meal; whatever it takes to break the feedback loop of torture. The sooner you train your brain to avoid depressing distractions, the better. I find playing upbeat music is an excellent mood-improver. Getting over an ex takes time, and we can’t totally delete them from our memories, and we shouldn’t, because within them are the lessons we’ve learned, and that’s something that can never be erased.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’