Black Daddies Club Weekly: “Operation Youth Awareness – Is our School Conduct the Beginning of The End?”
Knowledge (at right) enjoying a moment with two other BDC members
By Antwonne “Knowledge” Thomas
Love, Peace, & Nappyness…
We made it into the New Year! Yaaaaayyy!!! We would like to thank all for the love and support from our past expression (“Stereotypes of a Black male… “@ swaymag.ca) L.O.V.E. ( Lifted, Overjoyed & Very Excited )!
That said, one of the things we previously spoke on is a very relevant concern in my world.
I have two daughters. And we all love women – yup, including women (very much connected, but different topic for a different time.)
We have an exhausted population of women. Tired. Unloved. Unrecognized. Unserviced. Under-acknowledged. Then there’s an immense population of males who are: unaware; irresponsible; ignorant; disconnected; producing traumatic behaviour; seemingly unashamed and enjoying what they are doing.
Observing what we as fathers, husbands and boyfriends have done to make, maintain, and expand upon the harm we inflict upon our female counterparts disgusts me.
I apologize.
Let us look at the simplest of transgressions that facilitates harm. This transgression does harm women! Maybe not in the same way that physical violence would, but it’s a type of conditioning that we express in school and work environments that traumatizes women.
“Flirting/Courting”
Now, this expression is very much for the males, on behalf of the traumatized women in my world, but women need to comprehend the challenges that men face. Now, the average man doesn’t have women courting them during a twenty-four hour day. Seven days can go by (for decent looking guys) with minimal attention being given to us. This is hard on the confidence. Two, three months later, these ‘blows’ start to hurt.
Now ladies, consider: he has the fortitude to advance to talk/flirt twice a week. Since no attention equals limited confidence, his approach won’t be at the ‘A’ game level. Not surprisingly, he is frequently rejected.
Bad on the confidence. Some males might develop a negative outlook toward women, or relationships, based on such an experience.
Enter the male who has a hostile response when rejected (we will come back to him…).
Conversely, there’s the average looking female. She, since developing physical attributes associated with womanhood, has likely received attention from males of varying ages. This has an effect on her psyche. Now, let’s say she has decided to have consensual sex at age sixteen or seventeen.
Fellas, please realize that, prior to that first moment of consensual sex, many of the young ladies have been touched inappropriately, spoken to suggestively, spoken to vulgarly, forced into compromising situations, sexually abused, physically and emotionally threatened and pressured by peers.
These are external forces.
Our unawareness of how best to address a young lady we are interested in is internal. We as males aren’t subject to the same level of external abuse/harassment due to our experience with the opposite sex. That means that there are literally countless assaults on females (that we simply have no knowledge of) that occur before the females reach grade nine!
Still, that is only one level of it, especially when one asks the question: who are the people in a female’s life from birth to age seventeen?
Mother, father, siblings, “friends”, teachers…and how about the people whom the parents respect: elders and protectors, for example. Add in the element of silence. When a woman is aware that you know she is being damaged, SILENCE can also have a traumatic effect. Nobody helping you when you most need it can be read to mean that there is no-one who cares; there is nobody to rely upon; and there is no-one to trust.
Like I stated in the last expression…There is no therapy for what my generation is experiencing, no REAL aid.
Pause.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, let’s say this young lady finally has consensual sex at age seventeen. Her partner is immature (also a large window for wounds, and a very frequent reality). He not only mishandles her sexually, physically turning her off of the experience, he then talks about her/it. This behavior is very common, and essentially marks the beginning of the end.
The coupling of the traumatic environments (in the home, school, as a result of the relationships with dad and boyfriend, etc.) must be exceptionally difficult to manage. During this, keep in mind she still gets hit on (in acceptable and inappropriate ways, regularly).
Pause.
As we re-visit the damaged male seeking affection/attention, I implore both males and females who are reading this to overstand the mindset of that male. He is likely a follower, as he is lost and unaware of his strength and beauty. Or he may be unaware of how to responsibly manage his strength and beauty. He is likely to keep a peer group of equally inexperienced males around, as many young black males don’t have a strong, respectful, male elder (WITH TIME TO AID THEM IN DECISIONS AND OVERSTANDINGS).
We haven’t got that, so our peers help us identify with what they feel that we should believe in. Problem with that is, their judgement is awful. Therefore, our experiences aren’t positive, lending to the development of our male trauma.
And males with low confidence need support. We definitely don’t use our better judgement when reasoning with our peers; instead, we tend to lean toward the most popular conclusions.
So – back to the young male. He most likely has a “friend” or a number of friends around him. They naturally affect the way he approaches her, and the way she replies.
This is the vital part: as an individual with low confidence, he now feels it necessary to save face. He may insult the young woman; he may become aggressive; and he may even become further practiced in the expressions of his disdain toward women and relationships.
As stated in my previous article, drug and alcohol issues are part of our social and coping mechanisms. They are also the forefathers of ignorance and catalysts for numerous traumas.
They aid the development of poor decision-making skills, amplify the potential for depression, hinder awareness, and numb senses and are key ingredients in our daily cycle of evasive “party and bullsh*t.”
This is a major concern in our community and should be given more attention, in order to address an increasing interest in same-sex relationships. As males, it’s a concern. In order to comprehend why your man is willing to “f**k anything” if that is an issue, you must overstand these complexes we have (namely, a large ego, low self-confidence, etc.). Add to that the absence of a strong adult male role model, as well as the rampant glorification of sex in the wider society…..
It’s an uphill battle to cure ourselves and make a consistent effort if we ever expect to win back the love, respect, and appreciation of our women. They need to SEE that we are capable. We NEED the self-discipline in our hearts to maintain the level of honesty that is necessary to ensure that both our relationships and our culture flourish.
P.S. This was but a tiny fraction of the discussion of the “woman issue”. Ask a woman you care about to open up. Learn to feel her pain. This is our responsibility. You, as “man”, do you believe you’re tough? Are you “stronger” than a female? Are you the elite creation on this planet?
Males, try listening/ bearing witness to her trauma stories, pain, tears and anger. Imagine it, what she has been through. Then, without judgement, without using these vulnerabilities, without DUPLICATING these traumas, and doing so while receiving the pain…uplift that woman.
Taking the pain WILL be painful. Why?
Because you are the only male getting that close, that’s why. She may have NEVER trusted or respected a man enough to disclose what she has chosen to share with you, which means that she couldn’t even warn you in advance. It’s going to be very hard, but then, and only then, will your ego-based responses to my earlier questions (‘Are you tough? Strong?’) be answered. Even though we have our own excuses for being messed up, we are our own saviors.
Excuses will stimulate nothing. They won’t move any of us forward. Because we wield our own pain and trauma, it’s our responsibility to implement our healing.
By 19
Nineteen said so…
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