Rachael-Lea Rickards examines the Single-Black-Girl Table
Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries
By Rachael-Lea Rickards
Recently, I was invited to a downtown party. I had the perfect outfit and a pair of Spanx that held in everything. When I arrived at the swanky schmooze fest, I first noticed the ambiance and the fabulous looking men. I then noticed the stunning Black girl table. We’ve all seen it—a group of beautiful single Black women sitting around a table. Alone! It’s not like there weren’t enough Black men in the room. The problem is, they weren’t looking at them.
Now, I’m all for interracial dating, in fact lots of sisters have decided to cross over. White men approach us to buy us a drink and date us—outside of the house. But I had to know more. That night, I came home, took off my heels, peeled myself out of the Spanx, and updated my Facebook status: “Tired of seeing stunning Black girls standing around alone. Toronto men, we’re sick of you.”
I woke up the next morning to see more than 200 comments on my wall. Women were ranting and men were defending their reasons for not approaching Black women. “Black women are rude.” “They come with too many expectations.” “They don’t allow a brother to make a move.” “They shoot us down before we even begin.” While I have to admit that I’ve witnessed the dismissive Black girl’s “get lost” look and I know a few sisters who have enough baggage to fill an airport, I also know we’re not the only women with “issues”.
But, Black men, those of us who have lots to offer are tired. We’re tired of believing that we need to hold out for you, of hearing you say things like, “I love a natural Black woman,” but dating anything but. We might as well start importing. When American men come to town, “our” men shuffle in discomfort. If a Yankee likes a woman, he goes and gets her. End of story.
The next time I see a bunch of stunning Black girls alone at a table, I’m going to walk up to them and tell them to go home, take off their Spanx, put on their head ties and start looking across the border. Think this is a bitter Black girl rant? I’ll take the risk. Don’t like what I have to say? Prove me wrong.
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So true. You are right on all points. Thanks for the insightful article.
I gotta say, you’ve hit the nail Rache! The truth is harsh at times, but necessary to dispel the myths! Now aside from travelling south, what other solutions are there?
I just finished reading this article and I TOTALLY agree. I am at that point now, met an American dude on vacation in July/August and I go to see him next month, lets see what happens!
Interesting to hear it from your side of the room.
I’m a married Black man with two children. I work in a hospital and, over the course of my day, cross paths with far more Black women than Black men. I don’t know the majority of them, but I always try to look Black people in the eye and say ‘hello’ when I run into them. The men almost invariably look and return the greeting. The women? Almost never. It’s astounding.
I ran into one woman, older than myself, in a stairwell. We made eye contact, and I extended a greeting to her. She stopped in the middle of the flight of stairs and told me how refreshing it was to be acknowledged by another Black person. We shared our experiences and then went on our separate ways.
It’s a two-way street. If I was single and being ignored by Black women in a setting where I was very unlikely to be looking for a relationship then what are the chances that I would be willing to approach them in a situation where I was actually looking for a relationship?
I was at that table and although your article touched on some great points, I felt it did not quite reflect my personal experience.
Yes, this is going to sound harsh, so please forgive me ? That “single table” is where black women that have given up on the male race, go to confirm the validity of their decision to not participate in the messy business called a relationship while privately perhaps not even believing this. A lot of these beautiful, powerful sistas, become so empowered that their expectations of what an authentic relationship is like is distorted and unattainable. A man cannot complete you, finance you or be the handsome trophy of your success.
I have been at that table and seen the look of pain on my beautiful black sister’s faces before they hit the dance floor and forget about their disappointments for a blessed while.
I left “That” table. Actually I ran like hell away from it! The negative energy that this “pow-wow” creates blocked any growth and any light or love in my life. I struck out on my own to find wisdom and a brighter future. I did find a black man, who although not perfect, makes me feel loved, appreciated and treasured. I found him after seeking the wisdom of my mother, and after I stopped criticizing my sister’s marriage. I also humbled myself to sit down with a great old gent for advice that has been married for forty years and still brings his wife flowers. Gone were my Hollywood ideals and in came true love.
Our sistas don’t have to go to the US of A to find true love, or settle for the interracial compromise. Tap into the wisdom of the ages and you may find Mr. Right, right here, in good old T.O.
God Bless
Hey Raq
Thank you for your comment, and like always, it’s never taken the wrong way. it’s all about communication right? Now while I agree that many of those black women sit at that table because they are looking to have a black men “complete” them, or “support” them financially, there are also black women like myself who have done the work. Happy with my own company, have enriched my life to be a wonderful addition to someone eles’. Worked on my baggage and evolved as a women. It goes a bit deeper I think. I have always been driven by my career, but I’ve never claimed to be “an independent” woman doesn’t need a man. I don’t subscribe to that. But what I can tell you, to play fair, is that I do to some degree a lot of us have lost faith. Maybe not given up, but lost faith. So, perhaps you’re right, perhaps it is time to speak to mothers, mentors and black men in the community who can share a different perspective. i don’t think any of us ever want to take up residence at the black girl table for long. Thank you for your input.
Cosign this article big time! Toronto really isnt a good city for single black women, and it dont matter how “good” you look.
@Saki – It has been said, and I quote “Toronto, the place where black womans ovaries go to die..” and I didn’t say it!
It seems to be an ongoing cycle here in T.O. (and probably in a 1000 other cities Rachael-Lea). Black women can’t find a black man willing to date them who doesn’t have multiple kids/baby moms, is fully employed, etc. Black men complain that the black women are unapproachable, high maintenance and have attitude. Why don’t we consciously think of each other as individuals and forget about the last 100 men/women we have had issues with? Both sides of the fence need to keep open minds and dive into the pool again. There are far too many quality brothers/sisters in this city that deserve a chance to find love. I met a terrific guy that I never would have given a chance to before because he had 2 “baby moms” before I came along. He made a lot of mistakes in his younger days and had learned from them. I probably looked unapproachable, but we both gave it a shot. After 11 great years together we are officially getting married. One down!!
BRAVO for bringing this subject to the forefront. I find that this article compliments the film titled Dark Girls by Bill Duke. I urge everyone to see this as this gives an idea where some of our attitudes are coming from!
Some women on this board have asked where else can a black woman find a mate I suggest Italy or Europe for that matter. However in Italy black woman are celebrated for being beautiful but at the same time they are being exploited. It such a different comparison to the north american view about us.
I feel the ROOT of this problem is Black Canadian men do not know how to ROMANCE a woman. Absent father figures does not help the case either. If you were to ask a black man on this topic I’ve been told that black women are DE-SENSITIZED.
Have we scared off our brothers that badly they have decided to leave us ALONE!!
I strongly feel there needs to be a summit on the single black woman condition. ALOT of black Canadian woman are stuck on the CINDERELLA Storyline and unfortunately in Toronto you have VERY SLIM pickings this is the reality, please sisters face the truth!
We need to love and appreciate our brothers and BROTHERS NEED TO MAN UP AND STEP UP TO THE PLATE. BOTTOM LINE!!
Because there is 10 black women for 1 black man does not help in Toronto. What ends up happening is NON Committed realationships and wasting time casually dating with men who will never settle. My best advise for single women in Toronto is to swim in as many seas as possible. The goal is to find a mate that is RIGHT for you. His race or pocket book should not matter. If you truly want to marry and have the white picket fence stop hating and start LOVING!!
I’m at a point where I supply refuse to attend alot of black party events for the mere fact that there is 100 black woman and 20 black men. It is so pathetic and discouraging to see these women dressed up looking beautiful and the men just stand there and STARE. I work to hard for my money to be stared at.
The ART OF ROMANCE has been killed in our community due to soceity standards of what and WHO we should be.
Some points of consideration for sisters who decide to dating in Toronto
1. DROP THAT DAMN LIST!!! and get to know a man.
2. STOP going on pretenious dates where a man is just showing you his best behaviour get to know his family, friends and work life find where his roots are and try to understand WHERE he is getting his personality from
3. If you know a man is not showing you the interest and attention that you deserve. DROP HIM .. MOVE ON STOP SCRAPING the POT BOTTOM and fighting for CRUMBS!!
3. STOP THINKING ON MATERIAL WEALTH
It is really bothering me to know that we as black women feel for any man to be good ENOUGH for us he must be RICH. MONEY does not buy LOVE. Take a look at Hilary Clinton, Halle Berry, Eva Longoria ALL have been cheated on by rich successful men. If you value your self worth learn the rule of thumb that people ARE a product of their environment GET to know a person and the rest will follow. ALWAYS remember that a RICH man can also become a POOR MAN and you don’t know really what a RICH man is REALLY doing to get that money
I must stress that my statements are not made to hurt anyone or to put a stereotype that all black woman are gold diggers but we as black woman must stop fighting for crumbs and learn to float in a bigger sea be it in the United States of America or even WINNIPEG. We as black woman are beautiful and there is quite a number of men from all colours who would be willing to date us.
Please open your horizons and JUST DROP THAT DAMN LIST!!
Dear Why We are Single,
I LOVE LOVE LOVE your response! Amen! I’ll be reposting on my Facebook page…Well said!
Rachael-lea
I agree with @Ben — black folks don’t speak to each other any more. I was brought up to acknowledge us when I see us. And now find that when I do, not everyone speaks; some sisters bunch up their face trying to figure “why is she speaking” and some men avert their eyes or stare into oblivion. And please don’t let them be with a cousin when they see a sister – they will not speak! (I’m just keeping it real)
But I’m not bitter, and I’ve not given up. I have filled my life with the things that interest and enrich me. I’m willing to go to a party and not be asked to dance or not be approached by one of the myriad of single brothers who are supporting the venue walls. I can leave that party and say – for real- I had a good time.
It’s time for us to stop bashing ourselves – others have done a good enough job at that. Let’s work to positively lift us up and open and hearts and minds to relationships with ourselves. And if we have given up then seek a positive, supportive love where ever it can be found.
I am a single successful black man, and do find it hard to find sisters…who are approachable….and the ones that you find that are successful are very confused on what a real relationship is…..give you an example know a very successful black woman.. that was in my life before…who I supported through university..she made it… moved on came back and said she couldn’t find a man like me and wanted to settle down… when i talked to her about the simple things I expected from a relationship it was to much and she just wanted a sometimes friend… you black women need to look at yourself and figure out what you really want. you say one thing and expect another… Still looking for that sister… to add to my life…where are u
Hey Kas,
We are out there. Not all of us have a laundry list of demands. Just want a good man who can treat us right, as we treat you. Someone to share special moments with, share our day, dream with and build a great relatioship. While it’s true that love is what we are seeking, I often say, “ask for what you want in a partner, but you must also be able to give it right back”. If a woman wants a man with a great car, where is yours? want to be spoiled, are you in a position to spoil. Looking for a driven and ambitious man, are you driven and ambitious. People spend way too much time expecting from the other, but not doing their own work, in their own back yard. Great point! And we are out there.
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