Black Daddies Club: The Father In Me

28 November 2011 One Comment

By Tuggstar

They say that when you have a baby girl, the biggest worry is dealing with all the boys who are dealing with your daughter in much the same way that you dealt with girls when you were young. For me, I hope that is the case. I was the chap who would be too nervous and shy to speak to girls. I was that brother who was your girl’s best friend; the guy who was perpetually stuck in the ‘friendship’ zone. As a result, I came under the tutorial of many females who enabled me to get acquainted with the value of a woman.

Much has been said about the impact absent fathers have on boys. The conventional wisdom says that mothers will cope better and easier with girls. A girl has someone they can model themselves upon and guide them through the bumps that mums know too well.

Thus, when a soon-to-be Dad has been told that his girl, or one-night stand, or occasional ‘ting’ is pregnant, if the double X chromosome combination appears, he can walk away, safe in the knowledge that ‘it was only a girl, and mums know how to deal with girls.’ So does that make his contribution irrelevant?

IT’S A MANS WORLD, BUT…

We are all born into a world that men have taken charge of…a world in which the so-called weaker sex has to follow. The subconscious effect on every breathing adult is the sexism that comes along with this coveted male leadership.

When I found out that I was having a baby girl, my trepidation came from the normal questions that arrive with fatherhood. ‘Do I have enough money? Can I be the right example? Have I achieved enough? Will I still be able to have a life? How will it change? How will it affect me’?

Add a girl into the equation and new questions arise: ‘How do I teach her to be a strong woman? What will happen when boys call? How can I be the example against which she will measure all other men she comes into contact with?’

When I began spreading the news, instead of the customary congratulations, I got queries. “Are you happy with that?” they asked. My excitement was waved off as cosmetic. This was markedly different from the reception that greets most men when they announce they are bringing a boy into the world.

I began to wonder: was this the kernel that caused girls to be mutilated…the kernel that caused newborn girls in pre-Islamic Saudi Arabia to be buried alive…to not be able to vote, or drive, or work, or lead a country….?

TURBULENCE OF A WOMAN’S WORLD

At the beginning of the 8^th grade, my nephew spoke about a nice, studious girl he liked. When we spoke in grade 10, I asked him how she was. He showed me a Facebook picture of her displaying her assets in a revealing bikini and told me she that wasn’t serious about her studies anymore. I asked him where her father was.

He shrugged and said he wasn’t around.

Around the same time, my mentee congratulated me on my expectant child and added, “You’re good for having a girl.” He said, “A father has a boy and he only has to worry about his son going to prison. If he has a girl, he has to worry about so much more: the boys, being pregnant, promiscuity, not getting married, having sex too soon….’

If the factors a girl has to face are multiplied, how does an absentee father impact on a woman’s ability to navigate this world? To be honest, it’s easy for a man to go through his whole life never having to think about the turbulence women have to confront.

When a father chooses to accept the gift of a daughter and the responsibility of Fatherhood, he has no choice but to do so. Having grown up with two brothers, it wasn’t until I heard Mary J. Blige sing “The Father in You” that I really began to reflect on the impact that an absent father has on girls.

A NATION CAN RISE NO HIGHER THAN ITS WOMEN

The value of a functional woman on a family, a community and a nation is so invaluable. A family can easily become dysfunctional if the Mother is not functioning properly. Seeing as this is the case, there needs to be equal emphasis placed upon the responsible rearing of girls and boys.

While the old-fashioned mother and father unit is no guarantee to navigating the problems of childhood, the absence of one is definitely felt strongly by both. Every player will testify that a woman with no involved father is better prey than one who does. The impact can be felt for generations.

THE FATHER IN ME

When I look into my daughter’s eyes, I hope that she is becoming acquainted with the man who will walk with her around every corner she turns. I envision the adventures we will tackle together, and the thought alone scares me. My aim is to ensure that she is as strong as the many examples she will have around her.

But I am comforted by the thought that she will face every one of her adventures with her Father by her side.

Tuggstar is a writer, poet and spoken word artist. He has produced two albums to date, The Africa EP & Season of Lost Love. Tuggs.t.a.r has recently become a father to a baby girl. He is currently working on his next album entitled Family Ties. It will be a commentary piece that takes the listener through the rocky emotions of becoming a first time father.