BY: Brandon Hay

NARROWING THE GAPS

Brandon Hay wants people to know that not all black fathers are absentee parents. That’s why the father of three founded the Black Daddies Club in November 2007.

“I wanted to de-stigmatize that whole notion that black fathers and black husbands don’t exist,” says Hay. “When I go to pick up my son from daycare, I see the other black fathers there with their own stories. I think that gets lost in the media.”

The Black Daddies Club is a forum for black men to find support as parents and to share their difficulties and successes.

It’s been no secret that there has been unprecedented youth violence in Toronto and growing anger over absentee fathers, particularly in the Caribbean community. According to Statistics Canada, 46 per cent of black children lived in single-parent homes in 2001.

But instead of focusing on the negative statistics, Hay decided to do something positive.

“It’s a support system for young fathers [but it’s also about getting] the community more involved … to act as a catalyst for the community and to voice and show that we care about our children,” Hay says.

Meetings are held at least once a month in different venues, including community centres, restaurants and barbershops. Hay explains that they like to go to places where black parents congregate and feel comfortable expressing themselves.

At the moment, the meetings are mixed, with men and women attending. Eventually, Hay will start hosting men-only meetings so that fathers can open up more about fatherhood.

The idea for the Black Daddies Club struck Hay after his first child was born.

At 23, with a new baby, Hay was looking for a male support system to help him adjust to fatherhood. He couldn’t find community programs that spoke to his needs as a black man. Hay’s relationship with his own father was strained since he had been absent for most of his life, and Hay found he didn’t have anywhere else to turn.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

More…

Black Daddies Club Weekly: Fathers Day

Black Daddies Club Weekly: Stereotypes of a Black Male Misunderstood

Black Daddies Club on Metro Morning Radio: Calling all Fathers

Black Daddies Club Weekly: The Gift

“My mom basically wore both hats as far as mom and dad. She did an excellent job, but she couldn’t teach me how to be a man. Whether I’m a 13-year-old kid in high school or a 29-year-old, I still need my father,” says Hay.

Sadly, Hay’s father was murdered in Jamaica five years ago, just as father and son started to patch up their relationship. And that’s where Hay’s motivation comes from –– his father’s death and the relationship they never had.

“With the Black Daddies Club, I do this in memory of my dad. All the things I didn’t have growing up, that my dad wasn’t able to give me,” says Hay. “There has to be something that comes out of his death, and my goal is to break negative cycles and create positive ones.”

For more information about the Black Daddies Club, contact Brandon Hay at [email protected].

Fatherly advice

“For me, the biggest parenting tip is listening. Coming from Caribbean parentage [as a child], you’re often told to listen and not speak. If I take that approach with my son, I feel I will lose that kind of communicative relationship.” – Stephen Lawrence, community worker, 31, two children.

“I guess consistency and being present. My son doesn’t live with me, but when he was born I decided that I would be consistent and present. Spending quality alone time with your child is important. Young fathers think it needs to be a big production, like going to the zoo, but it doesn’t. Even things like burping your child or taking a walk with them [are also good].” – Benjamin de Graaf, 35, youth outreach worker, one child.

“One of my big things is the parenting style. I read this book, 10 Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children, and it talked about the internal and external way of dealing with your children. My mom is Jamaican and she only knows how to parent externally, but what I’m trying to do is parent my children internally. In other words, getting my children to realize on their own why they shouldn’t be acting a certain way.” – Andre Critchlow, 38, Maxamus Entertainment, two children.

“Look at being a father and having children as one of the most sacred experiences. It shouldn’t be about, ‘Oh, I gotta provide for my children.’ Look at parenting as a gift. They bring so much blessing, if you’re open to it.” – Tyson Brown, 34, part-time history teacher at Ryerson University and graduate student, one child.

“For me, it’s my communication with my kids. I really try to communicate to them as adults and just be as real as possible with them.” – Brandon Hay, 29, part-time student at George Brown College and event planner, three children.

Originally published in Sway Magazine, Summer 2008 issue