Written by Sway Contributor Odeen Eccleston

You met him on what was surely one of your worst days in recent memory.  Downtrodden, exhausted, soaked to the bone, he suddenly appeared at your side like a knight in shining armour from the fairytales you read as a child, offering his umbrella and a warm gaze that seemed to melt your problems away.

Your first unexpected “date” took place that very day inside a gas station over a romantic feast of jolly ranchers, gummy bears, a bag of salt and vinegar chips, two bottles of water and a pack of peppermint gum.  The two of you spent an hour and a half delving into each others’ lives.

You covered all of the basics: where you each grew up, your ages, which high schools you both attended, your current major in school, cultural background, etc…and then the all-important “are you dating anyone” came up. He attributed his current single status to the shame that “all the good ones are taken.” It’s too easy and sounds corny in your mind, but you utter it aloud anyway, “Well..not this good one.” Numbers are exchanged.

Your mornings are lovelier, your nights are warmer, food tastes better, your girlies notice a new and intrinsic joy beaming from within you…. ahhhh…how sweet it is. Finally, love has arrived.

But then…

One evening, three months into your official relationship, after a relaxing facial at the spa with one of your besties, you jump into your car and are met with four missed calls on your cell phone. One is from your dad, one from your sister, and two are from a Private Caller. There’s also an indication that you have voicemail.  Your plan to check the voice message is thwarted by an incoming call; it’s a Private Caller again, presumably the same private caller that called twice before. You answer.

“Hello?”
“Hi, sorry to bother you but I have reason to believe that you’ve been seeing my boyfriend.”   Your bff signals for you to put the phone on speaker so that she too can hear what the hell is going on here. The chick rambles on…

“He and I have been together on and off for the past five years, so I just thought I’d call you to let you know and to speak with you- woman to woman…” She ultimately communicates that she and your new love have been “on a break” for the past three months but that “breaks” are characteristic of their on again/off again relationship.

She claims that her objective for calling you today is to assure you that their reunion is inevitable, mentions that she saw him just last night and details her close ties with his family. The conversation ends with her politely/facetiously saying, “Take care, I’m so glad we were able to speak maturely…just wanted to give you the heads up because men can be tricky sometimes…take care”.

You hang up, still parked in the spa’s lot. Your bestie’s face spells skepticism and strength, but perhaps that is because she can sense your fragility. She can see that your nerves are raw, your stomach is tangled in knots, your heart rate has doubled, and you are two seconds away from a breakdown. She jumps out of the passenger seat and sprints over to open your door and hug you, rub your back and allow your tears to land on her shoulder.

Unfortunately, whether you’re 15 and just entering the world of dating or a 55-year-old divorcee, versions of this dreadful scenario happen to the best of us. Here are some tips on where to go from here and on how to decipher whether or not you’re being done a huge favour by a fellow mature and respectable sister, or if the call you received is little more than a cunning, calculating move in an ex-lover’s game plan to get him back.

1) Calm down. You won’t be able to communicate with the accused (your guy) rationally and fairly while you’re in a highly emotional state. So though your instinct may be to call him right away to yell and curse and cry in his ear, I suggest that you wait until your temper has cooled down a bit. When you are in more of a stable mind state, call him to arrange to talk with him in person. Seeing him face to face will make it easier to detect his sincerity and candour.

2) Separate Facts from Information. It’s easy to get caught up with many of the claims that this girl has made. But remember- you don’t know her; for all you know she could be a pathological liar. There is a decent chance that she does not hold the important position she says she does and has embellished every detail. For example “on and off for five years” could mean they were “on” for all of one month back in high school, yet because he is the best she has ever had, she refuses to be realistic and let go. And “saw him last night” could merely mean that she bumped into him at the party he informed you that he was going to.

If your man is a good man whom you trust, please give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to explain himself before you make any tough decisions. Present all of the information that you have received from her to him and allow him to tell his story. People are innocent until proven guilty. You cannot base your verdict based solely on one sketchy stranger’s testimony.

3) Confront him. How your boyfriend handles this situation is key in determining whether to proceed with this relationship.  If after approaching him about the female who called you, your guy has an aloof attitude, his explanations are precarious and you have a gut feeling that everything the girl has told you is indeed the truth, unfortunately, both you and she, (and God knows how many others) have fallen victim to the game of a smooth criminal. Spare yourself further pain and let the sly player go. It will no doubt be a sad process, but you must cut your losses immediately and let him be her problem.

4) Contrarily, if he adamantly denies everything convincingly and makes every effort to support his arguments with solid proof and sincerity, do not kick him out of your life: Get testimonials from his family and/or friends of the girl’s previous antics. It is possible that she is a bitter woman whom he dumped some time ago and has acted out in a pattern of obsessive, spiteful behaviour ever since. If he can prove that she is nothing more than a delusional, silly jump-off from his distant past then there is no need to leave him high and dry.

5) He confronts her regarding her claims in front of you and all of a sudden she’s singing a different tune. If when he calls her up on his speaker phone to reprimand her for pulling a fast one, all you hear are apologies, denials and back-peddling reactions, it may become clear that she is just a love-scorned ex stirring up trouble in a desperate attempt to exact revenge and get you out of the picture.

6) He clarifies to both of you that she was the past but that you are the present. He may admit that yes- she is indeed someone who was formerly important to him, but that since meeting you and pursuing a relationship with you, she is now his “EX” and that YOU are now his girlfriend. The act of him making it clear to her that she needs to have respect for his new relationship with you and leave you guys alone to be happy, is just about  the best thing he can do in this situation.

Good guys often come with bad baggage: a myriad of ex-girls and ex-flings doing everything in their power to hold on to and/or to get your boyfriend back to being theirs. Weigh the pros and cons of being this man’s woman.  Is his baggage too heavy for you to bear? Or does his overall package make it all worth it? Remember that no man, woman or relationship is perfect and that a dose of adversity can bring strength.

If the pleasure, kindness, support and happiness he brings into your life outweighs the pain, and the pesky episodes of jealous “ex’s” feeding you falsehoods in a pathetic attempt to scare you away is something you believe you’ll be able to withstand, learn to fortify your trust in him and pay these pests no attention.

If you can’t handle the stress of knowing that there are calculating women willingly waiting in the wings for your man, know your worth, acknowledge your limit, bow out gracefully, and let one of those understudies deal with the pressures and woes of being on his centre stage. You can be the star of someone else’s show.

Just make sure it’s on your own accord- don’t allow any auxiliaries to force you into giving up what might be a highly rewarding lead role of a lifetime.

Odeen Eccleston is a professional writer, actress and Realtor with an honours degree in psychology. So if you have any lifestyle, financial, relationship or real estate questions for Odeen, don’t hesitate to email her at directly: [email protected], or check out her website at www.MissTorontoRealtor.com