The Lovezone with Geena Lee: Love Standards

9 November 2011 No Comments

By Geena Lee

When it comes to dating, do you have high standards? Do you have a strict criterion of what the person should be like, look like? When someone says, “I have high standards”, we often take that to mean they’re ‘high maintenance’, just looking for a trophy, or shallow. Why is that? Maybe it’s the way these so-called standards are presented to us.

Going down your list of must-haves can be daunting to a potential mate. It can range from personality and character traits like – s/he must be funny, intelligent, and respectful, to material and physical attributes like– s/he must make a certain amount of money, must drive a car, be a certain height, look a certain way.

Of all those criteria, some are standards and some are just preferences. And when talking about dating, we often confuse the two, throwing everything under the category of ‘standards’. In my opinion, preferences are not standards, as they can be flexible. I mean really, if someone is not as tall as you’d prefer but has an amazing personality/character, that’s not going to stop you from falling in love with them, is it?

Now if someone is disrespectful to you, and you have a standard of being treated respectfully, well then you’re not going to be flexible about that, are you? Are you?… Sometimes we are, and I’ll talk about that in a moment. But the bottom line is, your standards should go deeper than the superficial; they are the codes you live by, and unlike preferences, they are non-negotiable.

So what are your standards? Can you list them in clear and definite terms? Think about what is important for you to live a happy and fulfilled life, and take stock of what you’re doing to achieve or maintain that. Once you start thinking in that direction, your standards become clear, and you naturally seek to include people in your life who are in line with them.

But remember, before you can apply any standard to those you have relationships with, you must be able to live up to those standards yourself. If you need a partner who’s funny, cultivate your sense of humour. If you’re looking for someone who’s intellectually engaging, sharpen your mind. Want someone who’s healthy and fit, hit the gym. You get the idea. If you just speak your standards and don’t live them, then you’re most likely to abandon them. And this brings me back to the question I raised earlier about being flexible in your standards.

In the beginning stages of a relationship, we all want to make a great impression and be seen as a ‘good catch’. Sometimes, this results in making a lot of compromises to the standards you’ve set, bending the rules of engagement in order to keep the peace and capture that person’s love. Yes you might keep them, but you’ll lose yourself in the process.

So don’t sell yourself short, if you’ve done enough soul searching and have a firm understanding of what you need in order to thrive in a healthy relationship, stick with it. Don’t break your code in order to accommodate someone who isn’t compatible with you anyway; it won’t play out very well, as you’ll end up not being very happy. So if you’re not feeling good about the direction your dating life is going in, I suggest you sit down and re-evaluate your standards.

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.