Sway Magazine » relationships

Love & Relationships: The Lure of the “Ex”

swaymag — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 20:38:01 +0000

Dear Rachael-Lea,

I’ve just started dating a guy who is wonderful. He’s kind, considerate, loving and emotionally available. Although I should be happy, I’m bored to tears. To make matters worse, a man from my past, who I think I’ll always love, has recently started calling me. Why now? I know my ex is no good but there is something about him that I can’t let go of.

To be honest, I think I enjoy the chase. The new guy is available, but almost too available. The ex is exciting and I get a weird kind of buzz with chasing him. I thought I would have grown out of this phase years ago, but I still love the one who doesn’t love me.

Signed,
The Ex on the Prowl

Dear TEOTP,

Are you crazy? Is it that you subconsciously don’t feel deserving of a healthy relationship? He’s an ex for a reason and, like hound dogs, ex-boyfriends sense a new dog coming to mark their territory. I guarantee if you were a lonely goat sitting on the sofa on a Friday night, you wouldn’t have gotten those calls.

There are far too many women looking and ready to commit to a man who is willing to be emotionally available. If you’re not ready, let him go so he can date another sister. I’m almost tempted to tell you to go back to the ex. Within days, you’ll realize why it didn’t work in the first place. Don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Figure your stuff out, be it through counselling or self-reflection. The new guy might not be for you, but kick the ex to the curb or prepare to be chasing him and spending many a lonely night on that couch.

Ladies: Is Frugality in a partner a turnoff?

swaymag — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 17:04:07 +0000

Sheree is "pleasantly" surprised by her bouquet of flowers.

By Isake Tom

So I recently watched a drama filled episode of this season’s The Real Housewives of Atlanta. As expected there were the usual cat-fights that resulted in broken alliances with new ones being formed. More importantly, former kept woman and newly divorced housewife Sheree, stepped onto the dating scene once again, agreeing to go on a blind date. On arrival, her eager date presented her with a bouquet which she would later describe as “looking like grocery store flowers”. The entire date was very low key, inexspensive and casual (the pair went dancing), something that sophisticated diva Sheree, wouldn’t usually settle for. Needless to say she had a wonderful time and luckily for her date, she was looking forward to a second union.

After that episode I thought of the countless conversations I’ve had with close girlfriends and female family members on this very issue and the presence of frugality in relationships. Sheree’s date was a doctor and could have afforded to take her to a 5 star restaurant and perhaps fly her in a helicopter over the Atlanta city skyline, but instead he chose a small mom and pop jook joint in a not so pleasant area of Atlanta. How many women you know would have been impressed by that? In my circle, probably not many. While today’s economy is slowly inching out of a recession, countless men and women are still finding themselves in dire financial straits; however frugality in a male partner is still a turnoff.

Online bank ING Direct recently conducted a survey asking participants to list words that would come to mind if someone offered to set them up with a blind date described as “frugal”. Twenty seven percent answered “stingy”, 15 percent said “boring” and only 3.7 percent said “sexy”. The bottom line is; there is nothing “sexy” about a frugal date.

Based on convos with my gal pals these are my findings:

1. Most women want to be wined and dined in their relationships.

2. Frugal partners are only attractive when it comes to long term courtships, but men are still expected to both spend and save at the same time.

3. Treating doesn’t have to be expensive, but if your significant other makes more than you do, as women we expect to be treated more frequently and at a higher expense.

Sorry guys, but I can’t sugar coat reality. This has been my feedback and I think it’s safe to say that this is how many women feel. Dating a guy who always insists on splitting the bill, always suggests sharing a dinner plate and consistently goes cheap on gifts i.e birthdays, Valentines Day or Christmas, is downright unattractive. And before you make assumptions, my friends and I are not gold diggers. None of us have issues with spending significant amounts of money on our partners we just expect the same in return if not more.

While today’s unstable economy makes it important to be financially responsible;(no one wants to settle down with someone who’s drowning in debt) some rules never change. It’s still pleasing to know that your partner isn’t a cheapskate and doesn’t mind spending his hard earned money every once in a while.

Love & Relationships – what to do when your partner is too dark to date?

swaymag — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 17:31:08 +0000

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Our expert Rachael-Lea Rickards has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places.

Dear Rachael-Lea,

I write this hoping that someone out there will relate to my dilemma.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for several months now, and I think that things could become serious. I’ve met her parents, who are extremely welcoming. She has not met mine and is starting to ask questions. I blame it on their busy schedules or that they go to bed early and aren’t the most sociable people. I’m a light skinned Black male and my girlfriend is the sexiest dark skinned woman that I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I think she’s beautiful, but I don’t think my parents will. They have always been prejudiced against dark skinned Blacks.

It’s crazy, right? I couldn’t even try to explain it to her. I’m so terribly embarrassed. My parents encourage me to find someone they can “relate to” and have tried to set me up with their friends’ light skinned daughters. I’m not attracted to light skinned women. How do I admit to her that she’s probably not that welcome at their dinner table?

Signed,
Loves My Dark Skinned Woman

Dear LMDSW,
This is a problem that has been plaguing the Black community since slavery. The house negro/field negro division still creeps into our everyday life. I will mention that this does not only plague the Black community, but several ethnic communities.

The idea that dark skin is not beautiful is your parents’ issue, not yours or your girlfriend’s. I do think, however, that if you truly love this woman, you need to have a conversation with your parents. Speak from your heart and tell them how extremely happy she makes you. Hopefully your parents will come around. If you find that they won’t bend, you need to be honest with your girlfriend.

The worst thing you could do is to not prepare her. Stop making excuses for their ignorance, but do remember that these ideals have been passed down for generations. It’s not going to change overnight. Besides, you have to live your life and listen to what your heart tells you. Now, go get two scoops of your chocolate mocha!

Love & Relationships – advice by Rachael-Lea

swaymag — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 22:50:36 +0000

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Our expert Rachael-Lea Rickards has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places

Dear Rachael-Lea,
I recently started chatting with someone online. We seem to really click. We’ve talked several times over the phone and are set to meet for a coffee date. Thing is, I’m concerned that he won’t like how I look. I’m about 15 pounds heavier than the picture I sent. What should I do? Signed,
Big Girl in Like?

Dear BGIL,
I feel your pain. Many online daters are guilty of this. Putting out a true representation of youself is always the best way to go. Your photo shouldn’t be from your 1989 graduation when Halle Berry had nothing on you, or the Dominican Republic trip from 2000 when you starved yourself for a month to fit into a bathing suit you never wore again. The fact is: He might like you just the way you are. Most, but not all, men like a little meat on the bones. However, if you show up with a little more fluff than in your photo, it’s not going to be pretty. Honesty is key to any relationship. Come clean, girl. Send him an updated photo and save yourself the stress. Either that or find a power girdle, hold your breath and hope for the best!? Good Luck!

Dear Rachael-Lea,
I’ve been dating a woman for the past two years. She’s caring, an amazing cook, and our intimacy is phenomenal. But we don’t have much in common, and I don’t think I love her. She wants to get married. Everyone around me thinks it’s time, but I just can’t marry someone I don’t love. Signed,
She Looks Good on Paper

Dear SLGOP,
Do you want a life partner or a warm body to snuggle next to? Don’t answer! End it!?Clearly you enjoy torture. Two years? What are you doing? Listen, nobody likes to be the “dumper” It takes a great deal of courage to tell someone to “hit the showers,” but be a man and do it. Don’t waste her time or your own. By the way, take a good look at the people who are encouraging you to marry your lukewarm woman — misery loves company. Two years is way too long to stay in something “mediocre.” If you wait another two years, you’ll experience the wrath of a scorned woman. She might even have a Waiting to Exhale moment with your stuff. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. Set her free. She’ll hate you now, but she’ll appreciate it later. Look on the bright side, I hear you can now buy Caribbean meals in the frozen food section now, stock up and move on!

Got questions? WRITE [email protected] OR for video blogs and advice visit www.allthingsrachael-lea.com

Real relationships + love advice

swaymag — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 20:50:27 +0000

Our expert Rachael-Lea Rickards has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places.

Dear Rachael-Lea,
My boyfriend is very particular. He likes a woman who “takes care of herself” and I try to do just that. He really doesn’t like hair, anywhere. The thing is, I wish he would return the favour. When we first met, I didn’t realize how hairy he was. But the first time I saw him without a shirt, I was mortified. He needs a body trim! Why should I do all that I do, if he doesn’t? I’m turned off, but I don’t know how to bring it up. Help!

Signed,
My Man Needs a Wax

Dear MMNAW,
Situations like this make me laugh. Men and women put expectations on their partners, but often neglect to look in their own backyards. There are plenty of women who love hairy men, you’re just not one of them. If you take the time to wax, pluck and keep it in shape, so should he.

Girl, you need to be gentle but honest. Don’t go leaving laser hair discount coupons on his pillow. Instead, introduce him to products that make it easy to get rid of the unwanted hair. There are some really great products on the market targeted at men, and not everything has to hurt. Whatever you do, don’t try to wax him yourself. Leave that to the professionals. Watching your man curl up in the fetal position while being waxed is never sexy — trust me!

DEAR RACHAEL-LEA,
I’ve been dating a woman for about two months now. They say when you meet The One, you will just know. I’ve met The One. We talk about our future plans a lot. She’s extremely ambitious and her goals are high. I admire that. In the same breath, I’m scared to move forward with her. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t have a lot of money. Times are actually pretty tough for me. I spend money I don’t have just so I can impress her. I’m afraid that if I tell her I don’t have money, she’ll lose respect and leave. What should I do?

Signed,
Big Heart that’s Broken

Dear BHTB,
I hear your pain. Every man wants to feel like he can provide for his woman. But is your relationship built on what you buy her, or how you fulfill her, emotionally and physically? Pretending to be in a financial situation that’s not real is only digging your hole deeper while your bills pile up. I do suggest that you seek some credit counselling, because it is only when you feel secure that you can offer security. Be honest with her and you’ll soon see her true colours as well.

You might be surprised at her reaction and perhaps she has some things of her own that she hasn’t quite yet mentioned. By the way, someone you call The One will be there, whether you have a home on The Bridal Path or a fading bank account. The One takes risks to love you, unconditionally, for who you are — not what you have. If she leaves, you probably never had her to begin with. Good Luck!

Tiger Woods

swaymag — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 17:38:27 +0000

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I have done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It is now up to me to make amends. That starts by never repeating the mistakes I have made. It is up to me to start living a life of integrity.”

— Tiger Woods apologizes to friends, family and staff during televised press conference.

Does Monogamy Matter?

swaymag — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:48:20 +0000

Father and son

Sway speaks with Black Daddies Club president Brandon Hay about relationships and being faithful

BY: Rachael-Lea Rickards

Do you think men were meant to be monogamous?
No, but I do think we are given messages, whether it be from religion or family, that make us believe that this is how it should be. I was speaking with some men in a barbershop the other day and one man said he doesn’t think men can be monogamous; another man piped in and said, “I’m more faithful to my barber than my wife.” It’s a tough question. I think all men in relationships want to be monogamous. I just don’t know if we were all meant to be.

Do you think Canadians look at monogamy differently than African and Caribbean communities?
I was raised by a single mom with half brothers and half sisters. My dad had multiple kids. Growing up in Jamaica for the first part of my life, monogamy was just not practiced. In no way am I saying that all Jamaicans are not practicing monogamy. I’m saying that in my household I didn’t see it. I sometimes wondered when I met a girl that there might be the slight possibility of her being a relative. The outside brothers and sister thing is just too common and it needs to stop.

Do you believe in the saying “what you don’t know won’t hurt you?”
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Before I got married and decided to commit to a monogamous relationship, I would cheat. Fortunately, my partner at the time decided to stick it through with me. I asked her afterwards if she would have preferred if I didn’t tell her; honestly, I think she would’ve rather not known. However, I do have a double standard here — I would definitely want to know if the roles were reversed.

What makes a man cheat?
Various reasons. Sometimes it’s just because he can. Men with power or great looks and money, those men have women throwing themselves at them all the time. Look at Bill Clinton and David Letterman, for example.

But what about the man who lives next door or the guy at the office?
For the everyday guy it is an opportunity that reveals itself. In my situation, we were friends. The physical was just the icing on the cake. She was a co-worker. I started to have easier conversations with this woman. I didn’t have to worry about breaking up a relationship or being judged. She was open to accepting who I was. She understood me. It was a mutual attraction and it was hot. Ultimately it was an escape.

As a father, do you feel it’s your duty to be monogamous?
I don’t know if it’s a duty. I grew up without a dad. It’s very important for me to keep the family unit together. It’s what drives me. Whether it’s when I’m working at the Black Daddies Club or just my day to day life. As far as being obligated, I’m human, I have imperfections. Just because I get married and have children, doesn’t mean I’m dead. It means I have bigger scales to use before I move forward with my actions.

What advice would you give men who are struggling with infidelity when they truly want to remain monogamous?
When I first started working through my infidelity issues, the first thing I could think of was to open the Bible. When I did, to be honest, although I did find some light from the scriptures, I often also walked away feeling like a heathen. I figured if I could create a space where men could talk, share and ask questions, I wouldn’t feel as alone, and neither would the men who came out to share. For that reason I created my first panel discussion event regarding this taboo topic “Monogamy: is it Relevant?” It’s time that our community starts talking and sharing and making changes together. We cover topics that are not talked about in the community and all we ask is that people come with an open mind.

- To find out more about the Black Daddies Club and upcoming events, visit blackdaddiesclub.com EMAIL: [email protected]

Our expert Rachael-Lea Rickards

swaymag — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 20:31:15 +0000

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places

BY: Rachael-Lea Rickards

Dear SLGOP,
Do you want a life partner or a warm body to snuggle next to? Don’t answer! End it!?Clearly you enjoy torture. Two years? What are you doing? Listen, nobody likes to be the dumper. It takes a great deal of courage to tell someone to hit the showers, but be a man and do it. Don’t waste her time or your own. By the way, take a good look at the people who are encouraging you to marry your lukewarm woman misery loves company. Two years is way too long to stay in something Òmediocre.Ó If you wait another two years, you’ll experience the wrath of a scorned woman. She might even have a Waiting to Exhale moment with your stuff. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. Set her free. She’ll hate you now, but she’ll appreciate it later. Look on the bright side, I hear you can now buy Caribbean meals in the frozen food section now, stock up and move on!

- Got questions? WRITE [email protected] OR for video blogs and advicE visit www.allthingsrachael-lea.com