By Geena Lee

Sometimes I wonder if I’m naïve, when it comes to love.  All the advice I give, and hope I have, the belief I have in love…are they just the romantic musings of someone who’s seen too many rom-coms and read too many novels with happily-ever-after endings?  As I write words of faith and trust, of working to make relationships work, a little bitter voice cackles in the far reaches of my mind, asking, “Do you really believe in all that you say?  Is there really such a thing as happily ever after?”

When I witness the pain some of my friends have gone through in the name of love – lies, abuse, neglect; even when I recall my own horror stories…what the heck do I have to be so enthusiastic about?  Am I leading folks astray by saying finding ‘the one’, and keeping them, can be done?  Is there a reality I’m not aware of, in which love does not conquer all?  What do I personally have to show, to say that it does?

When you’re not sure of the direction you’re going in, whether you’re suited for the path you have taken in life, I’ve found the best way to get perspective is to imagine yourself at the extreme opposite of your current position.  So at this point of feeling self-doubt, I’ve decided to entertain for a moment how my life would be if I dropped my rose-coloured glasses and took everything with quite a few grains of salt.

First, I would stop believing in the concept of love, and view relationship partners as nothing more than parasites.  I would keep to myself, never going on dates or engaging in any interaction that was not strictly platonic.  I would keep my heart fiercely guarded, never letting anyone in.  To do that effectively I would have to make sure I didn’t share anything remotely personal or emotional, as that would make me vulnerable.  No one could hurt me, take advantage of me…fool me.  I’d be wise now, because after all, love is just a myth, a flower that fails to bloom.  Since I’d no longer believe in love and the possibility of sharing my life with a so-called soulmate, I would just focus on the more intellectual aspects of life. Living in my head, not my heart.

Sheesh. I don’t want to live like that. But you know what?   A lot of us have decided to.  We’ve given up.  We’ve seen and experienced too many love gone wrong stories to believe in love ever going right.  We’ve withdrawn from the dance because we’re tired of having our feet stepped on.  But as you sit on the sidelines, does that make you feel better? Safer?  It may at first, but not for long.  It’s okay to take a break from the love arena when your heart gets weary; it’s important to have that time to reflect and recharge, but to forgo love altogether is to deny yourself an important element of life itself.

You can’t love only yourself and not anyone else, just as you can’t love anyone else without loving yourself.   You’ll only stunt your own growth if you disrupt the balance of that equation. One builds on the other, and to build anything, takes work.  You just can’t escape it.  And it’s not meant to be all heartache, or else what’s the point.  Everyone deserves to love, and to be loved.

I am by no means a therapist, an expert or guru; just a woman who’s not afraid to love or to believe in the power that love has to transform and enrich lives.  A big part of experiencing love is believing in it, and if you have people in your life who believe in it too, then that’s enough to keep you from being totally jaded and bitter.  My life is so much better when there’s love in it; and even though there are times when I feel frustrated and pessimistic about relationships, I couldn’t see myself being able to live with the alternative.  So if believing in love is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.

Dear Rachael-Lea,

I’ve just started dating a guy who is wonderful. He’s kind, considerate, loving and emotionally available. Although I should be happy, I’m bored to tears. To make matters worse, a man from my past, who I think I’ll always love, has recently started calling me. Why now? I know my ex is no good but there is something about him that I can’t let go of.

To be honest, I think I enjoy the chase. The new guy is available, but almost too available. The ex is exciting and I get a weird kind of buzz with chasing him. I thought I would have grown out of this phase years ago, but I still love the one who doesn’t love me.

Signed,
The Ex on the Prowl

Dear TEOTP,

Are you crazy? Is it that you subconsciously don’t feel deserving of a healthy relationship? He’s an ex for a reason and, like hound dogs, ex-boyfriends sense a new dog coming to mark their territory. I guarantee if you were a lonely goat sitting on the sofa on a Friday night, you wouldn’t have gotten those calls.

There are far too many women looking and ready to commit to a man who is willing to be emotionally available. If you’re not ready, let him go so he can date another sister. I’m almost tempted to tell you to go back to the ex. Within days, you’ll realize why it didn’t work in the first place. Don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Figure your stuff out, be it through counselling or self-reflection. The new guy might not be for you, but kick the ex to the curb or prepare to be chasing him and spending many a lonely night on that couch.

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Our expert Rachael-Lea Rickards has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places.

Dear Rachael-Lea:

I am 37 and I have been with the same man for 23 years. I am the mother of two of his children. He has four, but the other two are from other women. Needless to say, they were a result of his cheating.

However, I have opened my heart and home and treat them both as my own. But, he is still cheating. I, being either a complete idiot or just plain old fashioned, have tried hard to get past it and hoped that someday things would change.

He recently planned another “boys weekend”, which is just an excuse to be with some sleazy woman. I told him if he walked out on his family again not to come back! But he did come back and I feel so stupid for letting him back in.

He’s got to go, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve failed my kids. Twenty-three years is a long time and I don’t know where to find the strength.

Signed,
Idiot Girl

Dear IG,

Girl, you and I both know that you know the answer to this one. But, let me break it down for you a little bit more. First, as angry as you are about his cheating, be advised that these “sleazy women” probably don’t know that you exist.

If they do, they probably suffer from the same self-esteem issues as you. It’s sad and disgusting, but we don’t know what your man is feeding them. Second, God bless you for caring for all of his children. They will be thankful that you took the risk to love them. But, look at what you’re doing. You’re housing him, taking care of his children and constantly providing for a man who does not show you that you are valuable.

You’re staying because of the kids? Trust me, children know when their parents aren’t happy. By leaving, they’ll respect you more for choosing a healthy situation and you’ll encourage them to make the right choices in their relationships. If you can’t love yourself enough to leave, what makes you think he’ll love you enough to stay? Wipe the slate clean and look forward to 23 drama-free years.

By Isake Tom

Let’s face it, most rational people wouldn’t dive head first into a long distance relationship. But as Keri Hilson said, ‘sometimes love knocks you down”. The raw fact is that trying to maintain the passion in a long distance romance is as easy as walking in a straight line after a long night of partying. It’s going to take a great deal of effort and you’ll want to start off on the right foot.

For those of us that find ourselves in this predicament-either because our significant other decides to accept a ‘once in a lifetime’ employment opportunity elsewhere, or opts to pursue their educational endeavors thousands of miles away- it’s best to know how to make your unique relationship work.

This week I came across an excellent article by author and lifestyle consultant Heather Little White. In her article, White outlined some valuable tips for keeping the fizz in your long distance fling.

Below, I’ve outlined 7 key points that resonated with me:

1. Meet Mr. and Mrs. Chatterbox- Face it, now you’re bound to spend hours on the telephone and may even shed a tear when you receive your next phone bill. Get used to it. Some form of communication each day, is pertinent to this type of relationship. It prevents the amour from going stale, and strengthens emotional ties. Hell, you’ve been meaning to learn how to use that new webcam, now is the perfect time. Let’s not forget the use of social networking sites, and sending an old fashioned email.

2. Get A Life- We actually mean this in a good way. Pursuing a new hobby, joining an interest group, or focusing on career development, allows your mind some much needed rest from obsessing over your situation. It also gives you lovebirds something new and exciting to share during your next conversation or live reunion.

3. Don’t become a Robo Cop- I know it’s hard, but for your own sanity you should resist the temptation to become a controlling, jealous maniac. Lose the password to his or her facebook account, as this clearly indicates a lack of trust. Without trust my friends; any long distance relationship no matter how promising is bound to fail.

4. Keep em in the Loop- I know it sounds strange but try to inform your partner of any new friendships made or places visited. No one likes to find out through a third party that their significant other has been gallivanting around town with their new friend, the super hot intern from the office.

5. Don’t leave home without it- Where’d you put that Air Miles card? Lucky for you, you’ll be escaping your daily drudgery with frequent traveling. However, this type of love requires a great deal of planning, and careful budgeting. More importantly, both parties should split travel expenses, each taking time out of their busy schedules to travel.

6. Don’t Cheat! – Sounds straight forward, but as we know cheating contributes to the failure of many long distance relationships. Ladies if you’re in a long distance relationship, please resist the urge to become delusional. Men are more tempted to cheat as they find it difficult to cope with the obvious lack of physical intimacy. However, guys should note that this works both ways. The bottom line is cheating in this type of relationship will only conjure up feelings of guilt.

7. Become a Realist- Always talk about the future and don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions. According to White, questions such as; “Are we exclusive or non exclusive?” What are you expecting to get out of this relationship?” and “Are you willing to relocate should this relationship get serious?” need to be asked and shouldn’t be avoided. Remember, this is your time, your money and your heart.

Simply put, long distance relationships are a lot of work. Sometimes they require more work than a normal relationship. If this type of relationship is not for you, it’s best to make that clear from the outset. There’s no sense in leading anyone on. However, if you do decide to engage in a long distance relationship, remember to think positively and about what you each can gain from time apart. And when you’re feeling down, always ponder on how wonderful the next reunion will be.

Are you in a long distance relationship? Ever been in one?  How do you keep that spark sizzling?

See Heather Little White article here.

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Our expert Rachael-Lea Rickards has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places

Dear Rachael-Lea,
I recently started chatting with someone online. We seem to really click. We’ve talked several times over the phone and are set to meet for a coffee date. Thing is, I’m concerned that he won’t like how I look. I’m about 15 pounds heavier than the picture I sent. What should I do? Signed,
Big Girl in Like?

Dear BGIL,
I feel your pain. Many online daters are guilty of this. Putting out a true representation of youself is always the best way to go. Your photo shouldn’t be from your 1989 graduation when Halle Berry had nothing on you, or the Dominican Republic trip from 2000 when you starved yourself for a month to fit into a bathing suit you never wore again. The fact is: He might like you just the way you are. Most, but not all, men like a little meat on the bones. However, if you show up with a little more fluff than in your photo, it’s not going to be pretty. Honesty is key to any relationship. Come clean, girl. Send him an updated photo and save yourself the stress. Either that or find a power girdle, hold your breath and hope for the best!? Good Luck!

Dear Rachael-Lea,
I’ve been dating a woman for the past two years. She’s caring, an amazing cook, and our intimacy is phenomenal. But we don’t have much in common, and I don’t think I love her. She wants to get married. Everyone around me thinks it’s time, but I just can’t marry someone I don’t love. Signed,
She Looks Good on Paper

Dear SLGOP,
Do you want a life partner or a warm body to snuggle next to? Don’t answer! End it!?Clearly you enjoy torture. Two years? What are you doing? Listen, nobody likes to be the “dumper” It takes a great deal of courage to tell someone to “hit the showers,” but be a man and do it. Don’t waste her time or your own. By the way, take a good look at the people who are encouraging you to marry your lukewarm woman — misery loves company. Two years is way too long to stay in something “mediocre.” If you wait another two years, you’ll experience the wrath of a scorned woman. She might even have a Waiting to Exhale moment with your stuff. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. Set her free. She’ll hate you now, but she’ll appreciate it later. Look on the bright side, I hear you can now buy Caribbean meals in the frozen food section now, stock up and move on!

Got questions? WRITE [email protected] OR for video blogs and advice visit www.allthingsrachael-lea.com

What do you love about him?

What do you love about her?
She’s a sweetheart. What I was looking for from day one was a woman that loves the Lord. I literally said to God and to myself that if I found a woman that loves Him then that would be enough for me. She was one that loved the Lord that much. She’s also very pretty, hard working and gets things done!

Advice for young couples
I do talk to a lot of people; I do professional counselling for family and marriages. But the single most important advice that I can give to people who are getting married: do not marry a person for yourself; marry a person for that person. When I married this woman I married her for her, not for me. Some men marry a wife who will clean, cook, wash their clothes and do things to make them happy. I wanted to be a responsible man, a man who takes care of a woman. When she didn’t cook, it didn’t bother me because I could cook for her. If she didn’t clean or wash, it didn’t bother me because I knew that I could do it on my own for her.

Our expert Rachael-Lea Rickards has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places.

Dear Rachael-Lea,
My boyfriend is very particular. He likes a woman who “takes care of herself” and I try to do just that. He really doesn’t like hair, anywhere. The thing is, I wish he would return the favour. When we first met, I didn’t realize how hairy he was. But the first time I saw him without a shirt, I was mortified. He needs a body trim! Why should I do all that I do, if he doesn’t? I’m turned off, but I don’t know how to bring it up. Help!

Signed,
My Man Needs a Wax

Dear MMNAW,
Situations like this make me laugh. Men and women put expectations on their partners, but often neglect to look in their own backyards. There are plenty of women who love hairy men, you’re just not one of them. If you take the time to wax, pluck and keep it in shape, so should he.

Girl, you need to be gentle but honest. Don’t go leaving laser hair discount coupons on his pillow. Instead, introduce him to products that make it easy to get rid of the unwanted hair. There are some really great products on the market targeted at men, and not everything has to hurt. Whatever you do, don’t try to wax him yourself. Leave that to the professionals. Watching your man curl up in the fetal position while being waxed is never sexy — trust me!

DEAR RACHAEL-LEA,
I’ve been dating a woman for about two months now. They say when you meet The One, you will just know. I’ve met The One. We talk about our future plans a lot. She’s extremely ambitious and her goals are high. I admire that. In the same breath, I’m scared to move forward with her. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t have a lot of money. Times are actually pretty tough for me. I spend money I don’t have just so I can impress her. I’m afraid that if I tell her I don’t have money, she’ll lose respect and leave. What should I do?

Signed,
Big Heart that’s Broken

Dear BHTB,
I hear your pain. Every man wants to feel like he can provide for his woman. But is your relationship built on what you buy her, or how you fulfill her, emotionally and physically? Pretending to be in a financial situation that’s not real is only digging your hole deeper while your bills pile up. I do suggest that you seek some credit counselling, because it is only when you feel secure that you can offer security. Be honest with her and you’ll soon see her true colours as well.

You might be surprised at her reaction and perhaps she has some things of her own that she hasn’t quite yet mentioned. By the way, someone you call The One will be there, whether you have a home on The Bridal Path or a fading bank account. The One takes risks to love you, unconditionally, for who you are — not what you have. If she leaves, you probably never had her to begin with. Good Luck!

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Has all the answers for those looking for love in all the right (and wrong) places

BY: Rachael-Lea Rickards

Dear Rachael-Lea,
I recently started chatting with someone online. We seem to really click. We’ve talked several times over the phone and are set to meet for a coffee date. Thing is, I’m concerned that he won’t like how I look. I’m about 15 pounds heavier than the picture I sent. What should I do? Signed,
Big Girl in Like?

Dear BGIL,
I feel your pain. Many online daters are guilty of this. Putting out a true representation of youself is always the best way to go. Your photo shouldn’t be from your 1989 graduation when Halle Berry had nothing on you, or the Dominican Republic trip from 2000 when you starved yourself for a month to fit into a bathing suit you never wore again. The fact is: He might like you just the way you are. Most, but not all, men like a little meat on the bones. However, if you show up with a little more fluff than in your photo, it’s not going to be pretty. Honesty is key to any relationship. Come clean, girl. Send him an updated photo and save yourself the stress. Either that or find a power girdle, hold your breath and hope for the best!? Good Luck!

Dear Rachael-Lea,
I’ve been dating a woman for the past two years. She’s caring, an amazing cook, and our intimacy is phenomenal. But we don’t have much in common, and I don’t think I love her. She wants to get married. Everyone around me thinks it’s time, but I just can’t marry someone I don’t love. Signed,
She Looks Good on Paper

Dear SLGOP,
Do you want a life partner or a warm body to snuggle next to? Don’t answer! End it!?Clearly you enjoy torture. Two years? What are you doing? Listen, nobody likes to be the dumper. It takes a great deal of courage to tell someone to hit the showers, but be a man and do it. Don’t waste her time or your own. By the way, take a good look at the people who are encouraging you to marry your lukewarm woman misery loves company. Two years is way too long to stay in something Òmediocre.Ó If you wait another two years, you’ll experience the wrath of a scorned woman. She might even have a Waiting to Exhale moment with your stuff. Trust me, you don’t want to go there. Set her free. She’ll hate you now, but she’ll appreciate it later. Look on the bright side, I hear you can now buy Caribbean meals in the frozen food section now, stock up and move on!

- Got questions? WRITE [email protected] OR for video blogs and advicE visit www.allthingsrachael-lea.com