By Geena Lee

Have you ever noticed that you consistently date the same type of personality or end up in the same kinds of relationships?  No matter how much you swear you won’t end up in a similar situation, you find yourself doing just that?  Or do you find that the course of your relationships always seem to take a particular path, almost without you being aware of it, until it’s too late?  All that, my friend, is called a pattern.

As human beings we are creatures of habit, and with habits come patterns.  But what creates the habit?  I’d say it’s our past experiences and how we’ve internalized them.  Let’s look at some simple examples: say you touched a pot that was too hot and you got burned, so now you have a habit of wearing oven mitts before handling anything on the stove.  Or when you missed out on an important opportunity because you were late, you later developed the habit of always being early. Makes sense right?  Now when it comes to the habits we express in relationships, it’s not as sensible, at least at first glance.

For instance, we may often get into the habit of doing jealous, controlling things in a relationship, like always keeping tabs on every step your partner takes, because in the past you’ve experienced betrayal.  Then you develop a pattern of mistrust and doubt and it becomes the only way you can operate in a relationship.  What’s even more dangerous is when we start choosing partners who have already exhibited untrustworthy behaviour, because subconsciously we are programmed to deal with that type of drama, so you go with what you know, while still crying about the fact that you keep doing so.

Habits are choices we make repeatedly, and in repetition emerges a pattern.  So if you want to find out what your pattern is, where it stems from and where it’s leading you, it’s time to put on your detective cap and go searching for those habits.  Discover what it is that you consistently do when in a relationship, especially when you’re emotionally triggered by something.  Once you’ve found that habit, it’s time to do the deeper digging and find out the past experience that it’s connected to.  Is it a fear of rejection or abandonment? A need for validation and approval? All of which boils down to a need for love doesn’t it?  But as you no doubt know, we sometimes have warped ways of getting what we want.

As you embark on your soul searching, here are a few keys that may unlock some doors along your journey.  When I say look into past experiences, look really far back, I’m talking all the way to childhood.  Because guess what, any unresolved issues you’ve had with your parents or parental figures in your life will manifest themselves into your relationships.  It’s often said that since our first relationships were formed with family, we tend to seek similar relationships in our adult life, and become drawn to certain personality types who will serve to re-enact the issues that were never resolved.

When we acknowledge the psychological impact that our past has on our current relationships, we can better spot the habits that stem from it, allowing us to pick apart the pattern that leads us down the road to disaster.

It really takes a conscious effort to transform habits that have become ingrained into who you are, but once you decide that they are no longer working for you, change is inevitable.  You’ll need to be dedicated and vigilant with yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Seeing a therapist or talking to a close friend who can help you spot the problematic patterns will give good insight into how you got into them in the first place.  Also, speaking to someone about those past painful experiences will help to finally deal with those issues in a way that doesn’t have to negatively impact your relationships.

We can’t control what happened to us in our past relationships, but we can have power over how move in the ones we have now and will have in the future. Unravel the pattern that is holding you trapped and make a new one.  Think about it, if you’ve been unconsciously falling into the same type of dysfunctional relationship over and over, imagine the kind of relationships you will have, now that you’re consciously creating a pattern that will bring you the peace you desire and the love you deserve.

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.

By Saada Branker

Hannah Yohannes gets by, like most people in Toronto. She’s a 24-year-old mother and a recent Ryerson University nursing graduate. Having faced challenges in securing an apartment, she understands how much life gets in the way of living.

Yohannes started writing songs to express herself but had no way to present them. She also felt she needed a safe space to produce positive music. “I wanted an outlet because I’m a young parent,” says Yohannes, who for the moment lives in a shelter. The budding songwriter got lucky when a nine-week, media literacy workshop in the Jane and Finch neighbourhood caught her attention.

Media veterans (and Sway contributors) Geena Lee and True Daley founded the Diversity in Video, Audio & Arts (D.I.V.A.) program in 2009. Through free educational workshops, they facilitate training in music, media and the arts for women of colour, ages 15 to 25. Over the course of the program, participants learn professional and technical skills as well as how to express themselves — with celebrity guests like singer Natasha Waterman and iconic fashion model Stacey McKenzie bolstering their inspiration.

Since joining, Yohannes has starred in the program’s first music video, Believe in Yourself. All of the program’s participants collaborated in the production and direction of the video. “When Hannah started, all she had was a bunch of lines on paper. No chorus, no tune, no melody,” recalls Daley, herself a singer/songwriter. Months later, a regal Yohannes faced the camera with confidence, sharing her lyrics of encouragement.

Another program participant, 21-year-old Angela Xue, is a York university student who joined D.I.V.A. last November. “I’ve learned to communicate better with myself and with others,” says Xue, who had been in other youth programs but insists the D.I.V.A. program is unparalleled in its high level of support. Xue has interned as an arts administrator at Harbourfront Centre — she landed the opportunity with the help of D.I.V.A.

Twice weekly, women like Yohannes and Xue walk into the Driftwood Community Centre, knowing they have to work hard at finding a voice. Lee, also an instructor, explains how the workshops introduce technical know-how for creating, producing, performing and posting online.

D.I.V.A operates in partnership with the City of Toronto Parks and Recreation and the Nia Centre for the Arts. Daley says the program’s success has her and Lee ready to apply for provincial and federal funding. “Anyone can put together an idea and have kids hang out,” says Daley. “We are goal oriented and very structured.”

Case in point: Yohannes is poised to become a registered nurse. When she does, she’ll work at the Women’s Health in Women’s Hands Community Health Centre as a peer educator to East African women in an HIV/AIDS awareness outreach program. D.I.V.A. referred her to the centre. Lee sums up D.I.V.A.’s commitment to these young women: We show and prove.”

By Geena Lee

We’re often our own harshest critics. How many times have you called yourself stupid? Nobody can beat you up better than you can.  Especially when it comes to relationships gone wrong.

After the break-up, you’re sitting there with all the ‘coulda woulda shoulda’s swirling within your mind, each one giving a vicious slap to your self-esteem.  When things don’t turn out the way you thought they would, and the one you thought was the one is well, not the one, it can make you feel kind of dumb.

Even if you were the one who broke it off, you can still feel embarrassed that you made a decision to be in that relationship in the first place; look how it turned out, what were you thinking? Even when we are blindsided by a betrayal, we still feel stupid.  ‘Why didn’t I know? This person made a fool of me!’

These torturous thoughts are debilitating and dangerous, for they can send you spiralling into a depression that can be very difficult to get out of.  You can get trapped in memories of what went wrong and when, putting together a case of prosecution against yourself.  Trust me; I know what I’m talking about.  I’m as analytical as they come; I go over every word, every action…in every detail.  I place such a high standard on myself that when things don’t go well, I immediately scrutinize myself to see what I did wrong, what I could have done better.  But if I catch myself starting to feel stupid, I pull back by reminding myself that I’m not stupid, I’m a student.  There was a lesson to be learned in the experience, no matter how painful or enraging it was.

Are you a quick learner when it comes to love? Or do you keep repeating the same lesson over and over again?  It’s okay if you don’t get it the first time, a willing student can never be called stupid, because by being willing to learn, that’s the smartest thing you can do, no matter how many times you seem to fail.

The key is to be compassionate with ourselves, we’re learning! Do you call a baby who doesn’t know how to walk yet, stupid?  No, because they’re learning! We are all learning our love lessons, some have it harder than others, but we all deserve a gold star for trying.  It isn’t exactly a science, this love thing.  There’s no one right or wrong way to go about it; the love experience is as varied as the people who decide to be a part of it.

If you’ve been burned by the proverbial flame of love, don’t punish yourself for diving into the fire, or else those scars won’t heal, and guess what, you’ll keep getting burned until you learn that lesson.  So how do you learn a lesson? You get in the right frame of mind, one free of self-judgement and criticism.  We all become vulnerable when we step into love, and are prone to doing some pretty silly things when under its spell, so don’t be too hard on yourself for it.  After all, that’s why they say only fools fall in love.

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer

By Geena Lee

Head to the ‘Relationship’ section of any bookstore and you’ll find shelves full of various guides on how to catch your heart’s desire.  There are rules to follow, tricks to play, tests to give, all outlining a dance that if done correctly, will spin you right into the arms of Mr. or Ms. Right.  My first reaction to books like these is to wonder, ‘since when has love become a game’? And ‘is love really that complicated’?

When I ask happily married couples how they came to be together, the common thread I’ve found is that it was a natural, easy-going occurrence.  They met each other, felt a connection, and just went with it.  I hear a lot of ‘I just knew that s/he was the one’ or ‘It just felt right’.  They didn’t have to play any cat and mouse games or fill out questionnaires in a magazine to figure out their compatibility.  They were just honest and straightforward with their feelings.

When you’re single and looking, especially if it’s been for a long while, it’s only logical to start wondering if maybe there’s something you should be doing differently in order to find the right partner.  We start to analyze everything when dating.  What did it mean when she did this?  What did it mean when he said that?  What should I do so that he knows I’m a good catch?  It turns something that should be enjoyable into an intense practical exam where failure is not an option.  Every word, every action, every facial expression becomes loaded and full of a myriad of meanings that must be deciphered and/or manipulated to bring about the results you desire.  This is where the head games come into play, particularly the ‘back and forth, push and pull’ dance that leaves you feeling dizzy and confused.

Actually, it’s not very accurate to call it a game, when no one is having fun.  Well maybe one person is, but I’m sure the other isn’t too happy.  Are games even necessary when getting to know a person?  When trying to see if a potential love measures up in faith and character, little tests may prove useful.  After all, it’s important to find out all the things that matter to you in regards to compatibility. However, you shouldn’t have to orchestrate a complicated game to do so.

If you look for it, you’ll find out all you need to know about a person in how they interact with you and others; especially when you’ve given yourself enough time to observe them in various situations and scenarios.  I guess having a test speeds all that up, but what happens when they find out you’ve treated them like a mouse in a maze, seeing how they made it to the cheese?  And what if both sides are playing games? How can they let their guard down and just be themselves?  Just thinking about it makes my head ache.  I’m not one for emotional rollercoasters, and for me games equal drama.

There’s a difference between being playful and being manipulative, and if that’s how you get into a relationship, you may not like where it leads. Whenever you play a game, someone ends up losing, and it just might be you.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’

By Geena Lee

They say that there’s a thin line between love and hate.  And the reason for that is, once you allow someone into your heart, and love them with all your being, that same passion and energy can mutate into hate when things go sour.  A great deal of that hate is really just anger.  Anger at the person, anger at the situation, anger at yourself for being in the situation.  This anger can last long after the relationship ends, and if you don’t get rid of it, it will affect the relationships you have in the future, and it may even prevent you from starting any new ones.

So how do you get rid of that anger?  You gotta forgive.  Yes, I know it’s easier said than done, but it must be done.  Best to knock that chip off your shoulder before it takes root and grows into a big old tree of resentment and bitterness.  Either you labour to get your heart right, or you forever struggle with the pain of never letting those wounds heal, and guess what, you’ll end up hurting others too.  So think of the journey of forgiveness as not only a gift to yourself, but to the person who you will eventually have in your life; they get to have a wonderfully balanced and sane individual with no baggage.  And you get to enjoy a relationship that doesn’t live in the shade of past pain.

To forgive someone who did you wrong is hard because it may feel like you’re letting them get away with it.  But you’re not letting them off the hook, you’re just freeing yourself.  If you have strong anger and hate towards someone, they’ll always be attached to you, and even if they’re no longer in your life, they’re still in your head and your heart, taking up space and seeping poison into your spirit.  It may feel good to hate someone, to declare “I’ll never forgive you for what you’ve done to me”, but the thing is, you are condemning yourself in their sentence.

Hate and anger requires energy and commitment, believe it or not. You have to remember all the reasons why you’re angry, and why this person deserves your hate, and that’s exhausting.   By re-living all the wrongs, you’ll never get your head right, and you’ll be weighed down in your heart.  It’s very easy to get jaded when someone you love has hurt or betrayed you.  One of the most effective ways of healing and moving on is to forgive them.

If you can’t bear to see the person, or talk to them in person, write them a letter.  Even if you never send it to them, it will be an incredible relief to just get it all out.  For the very last time, you can list all the wrongs, how it affected you and how you plan to move forward from here.  And then you forgive them, you TRULY forgive them. You release them from your life…release them from your heart.  Because you know what?  They are human, and we humans hurt each other all the time.  And a lot of those times it’s because someone hurt us.  We cut each other with our broken bits, trying to make things fit.  It takes a lot to admit our faults and to work through them, but having hate and anger in our hearts won’t help that process.  So remember the good times you’ve had, reflect on the lessons you’ve learned and release the pain and anger.  Forgive, and free yourself.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’

By Geena Lee

“I’m gon’ be my own best friend.” – Beyonce

Are you on the list of people you love? Did you even think to put yourself there? Many of us define ourselves by who we love, but do you love you? Off the bat many would say, “why yes, of course I love myself”, but if you examine the people around you, and the habits you engage in, the opposite may be true.

The concept of self-love may seem well, selfish; but it’s actually very necessary if you intend to develop and maintain meaningful relationships. I can’t be good to you if I’m not good to me, right? Some of us are very good at loving; giving and caring for others, but have difficulty practicing it on ourselves. A lack of self-love can land you into potentially destructive situations, especially if you view the concept of love as something to be pursued and earned from another, rather than realizing you must first possess it within yourself. The love that comes to you is a reflection of the love you already have.

So how do you practice self-love? Get to know yourself. Make a list of all the things that make you, you. Become conscious of who you are, not what you think you should be. Accept all that you see, unconditionally. Never mind the flaws, we all have them; it’s what you do in spite of them that matters. You are a work in progress, but in this moment, you are complete. Let that sink in for a moment…right now, you are complete. Do you believe what I’m telling you? Is there a little voice in your head saying otherwise? The minute we start to analyze ourselves we start to criticize ourselves, finding fault in a million things, and all that does is distract us from the power we have to transform ourselves and the world around us. There’s only room for one in the driver’s seat of your mind, so who are you letting take the wheel of your thoughts?

You really have to make a conscious decision to live a happy and fulfilled life. So many of us take things as they come, living by ‘default’ so to speak, never asking for more, nor expecting much in the first place. Just as a flower needs water and sunlight to grow, you have to nurture yourself in every way, expecting the best and believing you deserve it.  Wouldn’t you want the same for someone you loved?  Once you start to think positively about yourself, just like that flower, you begin to blossom.  Those positive thoughts turn into positive actions that will move you towards the relationships necessary for further growth and transformation.

When you are in a loving state of mind, you approach life differently, you start to surround yourself with people who compliment your outlook, and pull away from those who don’t. You can’t love yourself and be in a relationship where you are treated badly, those two mindsets can’t co-exist. You can’t attract real love if you don’t have real love for yourself. You may attract someone willing to give you real love, but if you don’t love yourself, you’ll be unable to accept it, and that love won’t last. Too many times we sabotage our own happiness because we don’t feel we deserve it.

Practicing self-love takes practice. You have to be vigilant with your thoughts and actions, always making sure that the things you do and say are positive and conducive to your life-goals. It requires you to let go of your fears and self-doubt, and to be truthful with yourself on all levels. Trust yourself, forgive yourself, believe in yourself, follow your dreams, find your joy and stay in it. Be the love you want to see, and it will be.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’

by Geena Lee

“One of us must make the peace…the fire has got to cease.” Sade

I don’t think anyone likes being in an argument, especially when it’s with your significant other, but there is no relationship that doesn’t experience a spat or two now and then. It’s not the end of the world if you have disagreements, it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed or that your partner doesn’t love you as much. It’s just that as humans, we don’t always see eye to eye, and a big part of making a relationship work is to understand that and make compromises and adjustments accordingly.

There’s no way you can avoid all arguments, it’s actually important to engage in discussions that may seem divisive at first. By airing out all the contention, both sides can have a clear view of what the issue is for the other, and make constructive steps towards resolving them. And that’s the key word here: ‘constructive’. There’s a thin line between arguing and fighting. You definitely don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re fighting your partner (verbally or physically), so we have to make certain steps to foster an environment where each person feels comfortable bringing up concerns that may be unpleasant to talk about.

The phrase: “We need to talk” can bring an instant cringe, but if you avoid talking, there might soon be yelling, or just sullen silence that can create a distance, and before you know it, your relationship is on the rocks. It’s always best to nip things in the bud right away when it comes to disagreements. Maybe if we view arguments as ‘passionate discussions’, they won’t be so intimidating. If you’re looking to engage in a passionate discussion with your partner, or they’re initiating one with you, here are some tips that can help you get through the storm.

1. Listen carefully. Make sure you allow your partner to tell you what their concerns are in detail; ask questions if there are points you would like to be made clear. Don’t interrupt when they’re in mid-sentence or mid-thought, just listen.

2. Respond respectfully. Acknowledge your partner’s issues and the situation at hand, even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint, let them know that you understand what they’re trying to say. Then put forward your response in a clear and straightforward manner, allowing them to ask questions of clarification, because more often than not, many arguments spring out of miscommunication.

3. Seek a solution. Make sure you end an argument with some sort of conclusion, even if it’s just to agree on revisiting the topic at a later time. Maybe because you both need to cool down and collect your thoughts, going over the points that each side has shared. But hopefully the solution can be made in the moment of the disagreement. Look for a way to compromise. Be willing to be wrong. Maybe all you need to do is apologize, or just forgive.

Getting into an argument is not a highlight of a relationship, but it’s another way of getting to know more about your partner, and once you both become aware what the other finds annoying, you’re less likely to get into ‘fights’. Ultimately, if you’re both committed to making your relationship work, you have to do all you can to work it out, and there’s nothing like making up after an argument!

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’

By Geena Lee

Have you ever been in love with someone who wasn’t in love with you? Did you stick around, and try to prove to them just how attractive and loveable you are, hoping they would change their heart? Why do we want those who don’t want us? Why do we hope ‘no’ will eventually become ‘yes’? What do you call this behavior? Hopeless romanticism? Delusion? Self-torture?

Sometimes we’re led on by a ‘maybe’, which is really a ‘no’ in disguise. And it’s the most torturous word, because it keeps you hooked. That ‘maybe’ is heard in the phrases, “I’m not sure what I want, I just need a little more time to figure it out” or “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship just yet, but if I was, you’d be the first person I’d want to have one with”.

Those ‘maybe phrases’ discourage and encourage at the same time. It takes the person saying them off the hot seat – hey, they told you they weren’t ready for a relationship – and puts the burden on you to prove to them that they are ready, and you are the one they’re ready for, if only they could just see it!

It’s the most confusing thing; to start what you think is a relationship with someone, only to be told that they’re not really looking to get ‘serious’…even though all their actions towards you indicate that they are. Basically, they want you around, but don’t want you to get any ideas of commitment in your head about it. Frankly, that’s just selfish. It’s not fair to be put on hold like that, to give your all and not get anything in return. Nobody wants to be the bad guy though, to be the one to say ‘I’m just not that into you’ or ‘I’m not interested in a relationship, but I’d like to have all the perks of being in one’. So we end up in these undefined situations which have you putting ‘it’s complicated’ as your relationship status on Facebook.

By holding onto the crumbs that fall from the table of love, you deprive yourself of truly being full. You hoard them, savour them, but they leave you even more famished. In that state of starvation, our spirits become shriveled and obsessed, driven by a hunger to be satisfied.  That kind of desperation leads to bad choices.

While there is virtue in patience and hope, there’s a time when we have to become realistic with the situations we find ourselves in. If you find yourself always having to understand and excuse someone’s inattention and unavailability, it’s time to come to terms with the fact that they’re just not ready, and you’re wasting your time and energy trying to change that. If they say ‘no’ to you, you need to say ‘no’ to them too.

When you learn to say no, you’re finally saying yes to yourself. You’re saying yes to your desires, and to what you deserve. Yes, it’s hard to let go of the little we have, because we fear it’s the most we’ll ever get. But you have to do it.  Take that leap of faith, because I assure you, much more is in store. You must make room on your plate for the feast to come. So say no to the crumbs and take your place at the table of love; there is a seat reserved just for you.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’

By Geena Lee

“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” – William Jennings Bryan

Each day involves decisions, and our lives reflect the choices we’ve made throughout. We all have different ways of going about making decisions. Some of us like to get all the facts first then make the logical choice, some like to find out what everyone else’s opinion is first, and base their decision on that. Then there are those who leave choice to chance, making their decision by default, chalking it up to fate. Sometimes we do all of the above, depending on the situation.

When it comes to love, how do you make your decision? How do you decide when it’s time to take things to the next level, and commit to a relationship?

When you come to the realization that you want to be more than just friends, more than just lovers, more than just an ‘item’, there are many factors that inform the decision-making process, but two stand out in particular. The first thing is the past. Your previous track record will definitely affect your current pace. Especially as you get older and have more long term goals in mind (like say marriage), you become more cautious about your choices because you want a bigger potential than just the casual.

Secondly, there’s fear. If your past relationships ended badly or had elements that were painful, you don’t want to repeat them, you want to be sure that this time, all will be well. We all have a fear of failure to some degree. If you’ve been hurt before (and who hasn’t?) it’s a bit of a nerve wracking experience to make the decision to give love another try; to put your heart in hands that may break it. Fear of making the wrong decision causes many to make no decision at all. But does that make it the right thing to do? “At least I won’t get hurt”, is something you can tell yourself to justify not being in a relationship, but is that how you want to live your life? From the sidelines?

When you get a job offer, no matter how it’s described to you beforehand, you won’t really know what it will be like until you accept. When you choose to take an educational course, you don’t know whether you’ll pass or fail at the end, but that doesn’t dissuade you from signing up because you know the importance of seeking that knowledge. We can’t foresee the consequences of all our choices, sometimes there are no right or wrong decisions. What we do know is that decisions have to be made, and if you don’t make them for yourself, they will be made for you.

If there is someone in your life whom you are seriously considering taking the next step with, feel the fear and do it anyway. When a relationship doesn’t last, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to be, it could just be that it was only meant for a time. Each relationship teaches us something, so even if it ends, you should not regret the journey. We can’t predict the future, but if your choices are made to the best of your ability (drawing on the love lessons you’ve learned from your past), no matter how it all unfolds, you can be satisfied that at least you had the courage to love. Don’t let the opportunity to love and be loved slip away, it may be the best decision you’ve ever made.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’