Delroy with his children

From Acrimony to Friendship: When Ex-spouses Decide To “Get Along” For The Sake of the Kids

Evon relaxing with his beautiful children

By Evon Smith

Growing up, I didn’t have many good examples of what it meant to be father. My own father was mostly out of the picture by the time I was six, and the encounters I did have with him were less than healthy. The other men in my life at the time were either cheating on their wives, enjoyed multiple ‘baby mothers’ or were single and focused on their many sexual exploits.

Lessons offered to me by elders were counterproductive to the development of true fatherhood and manhood. I was often told that ‘boys will be boys’ and that men can’t do without multiple women. These lessons were echoed even by the women in my life and were repeated in the music, TV shows and movies that I listened to and watched.

There were very few influences in my life to challenge me to live above such damaging concepts. Eventually I became a man, at least what I thought was a man, and could see with more mature eyes the profound harm these ideas have caused my family. Abuse, socially maladjusted children, single-parent homes, and having babies with multiple partners are just some of the maladies that threatened the success of future generations of my family.

My transformation was born of a desire to be and have more than what my predecessors and siblings had. It drove me to live above my family’s and society’s low expectations of me.

The question that remained was: how?

How could I possibly be more than what was supposedly part of my nature? The answer, understanding that being a sex-crazed, undisciplined, goal-less boy pretending to be a man was not my nature. Another question I had to answer however, was what does it mean to be a man and a father?

I didn’t know the answer to that question yet, so I began by making a conscious effort to avoid repeating the mistakes my elders and siblings made. This meant that I would be faithful to just one woman, not have any children until I was married, treat women with respect and live a lifestyle of learning.

The last point I made was key to my growth, as it would ensure that I would continue to grow and mature for the rest of my life. I quickly learned that not making the same mistakes my elders made was not enough. Remaining faithful to one woman was one thing…but knowing how to be in and maintain a healthy relationship was another.

This revelation drove me to spend more time with people who were in healthy relationships and lives. I surrounded myself with men who were successful in business, as fathers and as husbands. I watched them as they wooed their wives, taught their children and provided for their families.

I sat at their feet, listened and asked questions. I offered to clean their houses, look after their children and help with their business. I asked to pray with them and study the Bible with them.

I was willing to do anything to be around success. I also read books on marriage and parenting to ensure that I was fully prepared for fatherhood and to be a husband.

Most importantly, my transformation through Christ is what truly defined fatherhood, manhood and what it means to be a husband for me. I learned that a man treats women with respect and honours them for more than their bodies. A man honours women for their minds, abilities and gifts and treats them as queens…even when they don’t believe it themselves.

A man has control of his sexual desires and understands his role as a leader and contributor to his community. As for fatherhood, a father mentors and teaches his boys to be men and loves his girls in a way that makes any advances by a so called ‘player’ seem like foolishness in comparison.

A father also demonstrates how a woman should be loved and how a man should love a woman. A father isn’t just a provider but also a teacher, mentor, protector, encourager, leader, visionary, and the cool hand of correction balanced with the soft hand of affection. A husband celebrates his wife and strives always to find new ways to love and support her.

A husband is not intimidated by the wisdom, intelligence and gifts of his wife; instead, he respects her and nurtures her growth. A husband commits himself to his wife not only in deed and in his heart, but even his very thoughts are faithful to her.

This is by no means an exhaustive explanation of what the roles associated with being a man, father and husband are, but I think it’s a good start.

I have yet to achieve the high standard that I have outlined. And, to be honest, I don’t know if I will ever become what I described. What I do know is that I did not become a man after my first sexual conquest, or when I turned a certain age, or after I had my first child, or when I became a husband, or even when I got married. I became a man only after I acknowledged that the aforementioned are not just things that you become but journeys that you take.

I became a man, father and husband the day I humbly committed to walking these journeys until the very end.

l-r: Desiray Simone, Celina, Candice Rayne, Vidal and Johnny

By Celina Rayonne Caesar-Chavannes

For Vidal Chavannes, fatherhood has been a journey. We met thirteen years ago and have been married for twelve and a half years (…you do the math!). Yes, it was love at first sight. And with love at first sight, we immediately wanted to start a family. Some who were paying very close attention would say that we were a little too immediate, but that is for a different sort of article.

Desiray Simone was our first child. Of course, having her came with a lot of trepidation and excitement; however, we knew that we were partners! With that said, what could possibly go wrong?

Well…he tried to stay up with her when she woke in the middle of the night to let me sleep, but after the one time that she rolled out of his arms and down on to the floor (nobody was hurt!) – while he snored – he and I quickly rethought that philosophy.

With Candice Rayne, our second, he was far more confident in his abilities to hold her without incident, (lest I bring up the time when he dropped her first birthday cake…on her head). He pampered and bathed her like a pro. In fact, he doted on her so much that Candice seems to be the kind of child that will not leave home until she is forty – if at all – and Vidal wouldn’t have it any other way.

Specific to his two angels, Vidal makes sure to tell them how beautiful they are every day. He sends flowers to their school with a “Thank you for being the best kid” message and teddy bears on Valentine’s Day and tucks them in every night before they go to sleep. He wants to make sure that the first “fool who tells them they’re pretty” doesn’t completely have them “head over heels”, as he so eloquently puts it.

With all of these ladies around, Vidal quickly found himself outnumbered and to cope, he perfected the art of saying ‘no’. The girls go to him first; he says ‘NO’. They then come to me…and I make the final determination. So for many years, Vidal was significantly outvoted.

Then came…Johnny.

When Vidal Jr (aka “Johnny”), our third, was born, the playing field was levelled a bit. Johnny has certainly changed the dynamics of the house (those with male children will know what I am saying). Though he is only three, I see how important his father is in shaping his behaviour, particularly towards the girls in his life. I look forward to the man Johnny will become because of the man he will pattern himself after.

It has been interesting to watch Vidal transition between the three children who differ greatly in personality and interests, and who therefore need to be parented differently. What has been consistent throughout the years is his unwavering love of his “little people” as he calls them.

Vidal brings to our family stability, patience, and an undying commitment to laughter. He is a wonderful life partner whom I love and who I know loves me, Desiray, Candice and Johnny immensely. And we love him very much.

Plus, I think he is sexy…..

Can I say that? Well, I just did…Love you babe!

By Tendisai Cromwell

Mark August 13 off  your calendar for the Black Daddies Club 2nd Annual Picnic at Orono Park in Bomanville.  This will be a family affair packed with a variety of activities, entertainment and of course food.

The first picnic took place in 2009 and was a great success according to Brandon Hay, executive director of the Black Daddies Club.

“It was really about families creating memories,” Hay said.

He expects a larger turnout this year than in 2009 which had 400 to 500 people in attendance.

Activities will include a dominos tournament, swimming, flag football,  socacize sessions, free facials, performances by the Toronto Children Concert Choir (TC3), a Zen garden and more.

This year, low-cost transportation will be provided from two locations in the GTA. Shuttle service will be offered from Downsview Park subway and the Scarborough Town Center for a $5 fare.

Not only is it a day to share quality time with family, the picnic will as well be a place to access resources and will be educative for the community.

“People can find out what businesses are operating for Black families in the Toronto community,” Taisha Lewis, vendor and sponsorship lead explained.

It is a mutli-themed event focusing primarily on health, then education and civic engagement. The Taibu Community Health Centre will be providing information about diabetes and treatments. There will be a number of other vendors providing information for picnic attendees.

The picnic will also be an opportunity to raise the political conscience of the black community. Black Daddies Club invited The John Howard Society Toronto to provide information at the picnic about a controversial series of bills passed by the Conservative government.

“The reality is that we’re not engaged,” Hay said.“The politicians aren’t talking to us; they’re not speaking our language.”

Hay expressed that a central part of the picnic is also to foster community partnerships making the event more successful and meaningful.

Chevy X, the lead for programming, encourages families to come out and enjoy the day.

“It’s just a beautiful space. We just want to share with everyone and hopefully people will come out and feel the energy and the love,” Chevy said.

For more information about the picnic, see the Facebook event page.

Visit the Black Daddies Club website for more information about the organization.

Jacinda and Dad

By Jacinda Liburd

As a child, he was my hero; as a teenager, my teacher; and as a woman, he is my very best friend.

My father and I have always had a very special relationship that has been built on love, understanding and respect.

When I about four years old, I was terrified of sleeping alone. Petrified, really. No matter how many times I was sent back to my room, nothing and no one could ever make me stay there. I would lie in my bed and wait until I heard complete silence. Then I’d slide out of my bed, get on all fours and slowly creep into my parents’ room. And I did this all night long.

My mom, ever the gentle but firm disciplinarian, insisted that it was important for me to learn to sleep alone. My Dad? Not so much.

One night, on my way into their bedroom, I discovered something that soothed my soul so completely that I can still remember the exact moment. My dad, who normally slept all the way at the end of the bed, had left a little room on the edge. I wasn’t sure if it was accidental or deliberate, but when I slid into that space and I felt his arm reach around and hold me so that I didn’t fall, I loved him more than words could explain.

At about age seven, I decided to wash my cabbage patch doll. And, to my horror, the arms fell off!

I was, in a word…devastated.

I came into our garage, bawling loudly. In between sobs, I told my dad that I had ruined my best friend. My dad looked at me, took my doll, squeezed out all of the water, got some matching thread and a needle and sewed her back together.

Always, my hero.

To say that my father remained a hands-on father from childhood right through to young adulthood is a bit of an understatement. He taught me how to fly a kite, ride my bicycle, ice skate, drive a car, fix my car, and how to be and stay mentally tough. He drove me to tutoring classes, piano lessons, track meets, basketball games, and modeling assignments.

He came on class trips, dropped off forgotten lunches and forgotten projects, attended parent-teacher meetings, moved me in and out of dormitories, supported my academic achievements every step of the way and was always there to give me a dollar or two (…or three or four!) when I needed it. He taught me everything he knew and then some.

For a better teacher, I could have never asked.

Now that I am an adult, my relationship with my father has changed a lot. I don’t see him as often and I don’t need him in the ways that I once did as a child.  But through his love, compassion, understanding, and care, my father has given me the gift of confidence, kindness and an uncanny ability to be true to myself.

I am well-rounded, independent and I tend to surprise people with my many hidden talents. But when I need someone with whom I can reason out life, I know just where I can turn.

He’s always there.

None of us get to choose our parents. That is a decision made solely by God.

But if I were given the choice of any man in the world to be my father, for so many more reasons than I can write, I would choose my father…all over again.

Jacinda Liburd is an actress, teacher, former model and licensed paralegal who strongly believes in the power of education. She loves her family, friends, community and country dearly. She works to encourage young women to appreciate the power of beauty and brains. And her love for her father springs eternal.

By Evans Johnson

“My Dad is better than your Dad!” is the taunt I remember kids singing on the schoolyard. I was never one to sing this annoying little ditty, but if I knew then what I know now about my Father, I would have been the singing it the loudest during recess. Simply put, my Father is amazing: a strong, serious, hard-working, loving, God-fearing, Black Man. A cabinet-maker by trade, my Father showed me sacrifice, perseverance, commitment to life, family and the beautiful nature of silent love.

He supports me in all of my endeavors, even though he doesn’t understand why I have to live on the other side of the country to work. He cries every time I leave home to chase and live my dream. It’s the most beautiful and heart-breaking thing. But with every teardrop, I know he loves me and will continue to support me.

His support is undying. He let me and my siblings grow into the people God intended us to be. No matter what I need, I can go to my Dad. He allowed us to fly free as children. He granted us the freedom to climb trees, build sand castles, ice skate, play basketball, soccer, volleyball, t-ball, be girl/boy scouts and dance until it was time to study our books.

Dad never told us ‘No’ too often; instead, he used the word at the right times and reminded us constantly, “If you can’t hear, you must feel!” I readily admit that this is what kept me flying straight and in the light!

Every Sunday, he drove us to Sunday school and took us to McDonald’s on Friday for dinner as a treat. For any kid, that was the greatest treat in the world. He also gave us weekly allowance. Dad explained that it was given so that we wouldn’t have the desire to steal and he always made sure that we had it…even when he was laid off.

All the way through university, he made sure that my books and tuition were paid for. He even bought me a car in order to cut the one-way hour and fifteen minute bus ride in half.

Some people say, “I come from money”, but I say, “I come from ‘enough’ money”. Enough to buy a loaf of bread, milk, butter…enough to keep the heat on, the water running and a roof over our heads. No matter what the situation Dad always made sure that we had enough.

And he never did it alone – he had Mom and she’s a strong, smart, beautiful woman. So, whether he chose her or she chose him, I celebrate my Dad for standing, neither in front nor behind, but beside my Mom for forty-one years. Watching my Dad love my Mom unconditionally, honestly and happily is the greatest gift I could ask for.

For this and all the things said before I pay tribute to the greatest man I know, Calvin Hugh Johnson.

Evans Natalie Johnson is a Toronto-born actress who currently lives in Vancouver, British Columbia. Some of her credits include Smallville, He Loves Me starring Heather Locklear, ‘da Kink in My Hair, Dead Rising 2 and The Rise of the Planet of the Apes which will be released in theatres worldwide August 5^th. Currently, Evans Johnson is hard at work organizing a breast cancer campaign she launched on June 1^st called ‘Paint Yourself Pink’. If you’d like to support her campaign ‘like’ the page on Facebook and follow @PaintYourself on Twitter.

Naki (in hat) with her brother, Daddy and Mommy in High Park

By Naki Osutei

As we neared Father’s Day 2011, I could not help but take stock of the fact that so many people I know are estranged from, or have very strained relationships with, their fathers. While, like most adults, my relationship with Dad has had its share of difficulties (we’re all human, after all), the very fact that I can call on my Dad for advice, support and last-minute help makes me very fortunate indeed.

In addition to the very foundational lessons (i.e. love God, love family and love self), I want to highlight three lessons my Daddy has shared with me in different ways over the years.

Lesson #1 – I’ll teach you how…mostly so you don’t destroy it.

Both of my parents love music and incidentally, our next door neighbour in the high-rise tower I grew up in did, too.  He was a nightclub DJ, originally from Germany and spent hours practicing his sets. Upon discovering a three year-old Naki dancing in front of his door, he decided to make mix tapes and LP suggestions for my parents.  Naturally, this led to the purchase of a TeleFunken sound system (cutting-edge technology at the time).

My dad took the time to teach me how to put the needle on the record, knowing that I would be curious and want to do this anyway.  Not only did this create a novelty for guests who would visit and share their amazement at the sight of a four year-old music selector, but it meant that he didn’t have to worry that I would scratch records or tear apart cassettes out of an unmanaged curiosity.

Complemented by trips to the Science Centre, High Park, local farms and other sites of learning, that early lesson helped me to be unafraid of exploring the unknown. As a result, both my brother and I are curious, love to explore how things work and challenge ourselves to ‘figure it out’.

Lesson #2 – Yes, who you know is important.

My dad tells the story of coming to Canada in 1979 and it is marked with many of the challenges you hear in the stories of immigrants. What has always intrigued me is the role his network played in helping him apply to come to Canada.  It was the senior leaders he met through his work on student councils in Ghana who introduced him to the people who could help along in his journey to apply to come to Canada.

I’ve held that lesson close to me as I’ve traversed through my educational and professional careers.  When I’ve had to make decisions about jobs to take or courses to pursue, my Dad has reminded me to look for new, diverse, challenging networks in which to invest – they are a ‘currency’ of their own.

Lesson #3 – We [the family] struggle and celebrate together.

We grew up with the expectation that you offer to do anything you can to help your family members and you mark even the smallest victories with celebration. Examples go back decades and continue to this day.

Though I knew nothing about Humanities at the time, at the age of seven, my small, nimble hands were able to more quickly type my Dad’s essays than his were. Among her myriad examples of sacrifice, my Mom, without hesitation, would empty her purse to ensure my brother and I had lunch money before we left for school.

My dad took an indefinite leave of absence to be at the hospital with me round the clock when I fell seriously ill. Throughout his high school years, my brother made himself available to edit my undergraduate essays and continues to do that for me to this day. In addition to being there in hard times, we’ve also taken the time to mark the victories in life as well. The Mandarin Restaurant photo fridge magnets are evidence of that.

Certainly, there are many other lessons Dad has shared with me, but these seem to be the ones that resonate most with me at this point in my life.

Naki Osutei is the VP, Strategy at the Greater Toronto CivicAction Alliance and founding director of CivicAction’s Emerging Leaders Network, a network of almost 400 rising leaders and co-founder of DiverseCity Fellows, a participant-driven leadership development program.

Jaelin with his Dad, Curt

By Jaelin Burnett-Handy

My name is Jaelin Burnett-Handy and I’m 12 years old.  I’m in the sixth grade and I love basketball and science.  Any free time that I have is spent at the basketball court with my dad and my neighbour. We sometimes play for hours.

When I’m in my bedroom I like to do experiments, but my mom doesn’t let me use dangerous things.  I go to church every Sunday and listen to my uncle preach.  My parents are awesome because they help me with my homework and I can talk to them about everything.  They never stop trying to make me better person.  When I grow up I want a career as a lawyer or a basketball player.

Every day my dad wakes me up and drives me to school.  He’s a very social person.  All of my friends and teachers know him at school.  They think he’s hilarious, smart and helpful.  He helps with school programs like the basketball team.  He’s been coaching at my school for 4 years.  We got so good that we made it to the semi-finals.   He loves basketball and kids so much that he started his own afterschool program. He also started his own basketball summer camp.  He also helps at other schools in Toronto, volunteering as a coach for track and field and, of course, basketball.

My father is the perfect dad! He’s a really good role model because he’s intelligent.  I think he’s a mathematician because he knows his multiplication, division and fractions really well.  He’s good at keeping secrets.   I’ve told my dad secrets and he never told anyone about them.  He is such a fun loving person and when he tells a joke, I laugh really, really hard.  Every night when I go to bed, he comes to my room and he wrestles with me and tickles me till I feel like peeing myself!  We enjoy the same things and that means we can spend lots of time together.

My great grandmother has Alzheimer’s and it can be a little hard to talk to her at times, but my dad and grandma seem to understand her.  With her he is caring, loving, playful and very understanding.  He sits in the living room and watches TV with her and sometimes, he play-fights with her.  He helps my grandma pick up groceries and she loves him very much.  My dad gives to homeless people because he has empathy and a big heart.  Anyone can ask him for anything and if he can, he will help.

I think that every child should have a father like mine and maybe the world would be a better place.   When I become a man I’m going to remember all the things that he taught me, and when I become a father I’m going to do the same things he did with me.  He’s teaching me all the things I need to know to be a good man, just like him.  When I think about my dad I think of two lines from a poem: “If I could paint a perfect picture the contours would be of you” and “From north to south and east to west you stand above all of the rest”. I tell him I love him all the time and I hope he feels like every day is Fathers Day.

His name is CURT BURNETT and he is my Dad.

Will with his reason for being, son Cameron

By Will Strickland

It ends here…

This has been cathartic for me.  Hopefully, you will have taken something away from this, too.  Father’s Day was this past weekend.  Again, I am without my ManChild for another Father’s Day, but I will see him soon… We will spend the summer together, as usual, continuing to forge our bond…

For those who loved but felt that they were not loved in return by their fathers, for those who are reliving their past with their actions or inactions toward their own children, this is for you.  Fame, money, music careers…all fleeting in the face of your Forever… Cherish every moment with your children, as best you can…

This last piece was written during a flight back home to NYC in 1996, while hovering over LaGuardia Airport at 35,000 feet in a holding pattern to land. I was taking on a new job at RCA Records, running the promotions department after helping to get WuTang Clan signed to Loud/RCA. Looking out of my window, it seemed like the sun was floating on the clouds, settling into its evening mode, playin’ its position in the night sky…

The result of this view?

If

If I could Dance on Clouds…

If I could Control Crowds…

If I could Make all the Best Songs,

If I could Right all of My Wrongs…

If I could Revive the Dead…

If I could simply Clear My Head…

If I could add about $999,999 to my dollar

If I could whisper instead of “holla”

If I could be Understood as well as I Understand

If I could Grab the Fortune, f**k being The Man!

If I could commit My Love to just One

If I could just make Life fun

If I could escape all Stereotype

If I could give You Substance instead of Hype

If I could ease your Pain

If I could Retaliate instead of Refrain

If I could Pave a path of Gold for Cameron, My Diamond

If I could Rap, I guess I’d be Rhymin’

If I could just Make a Difference and do some Good,

If I Could…

My son is all I have.  He is my reason for breathing…for doing what I do so very far away from him.  My resurrection…A new and better me… No, WAIT! A once and forever great Him! I just hope I have poured enough cement for a proper foundation… he is building his home in Life right now… I know it will stand…

Happy Father’s Day to everyone…and not just the Dads out there, but the single Mothers, who hold down both positions with strength and grace. I can only admire and applaud. You should, too…Take some time to listen to “A Song for My Father”, a great jazz tune by Mr. Horace Silver… lounge to the late, great Luther Vandross’ offering, “Dance With My Father”… or if that’s not your flav, check Little Brother’s “All For You”, my Father’s Day song for LIFE!

As per us-u-al, you know the deal…

Breathe Easy…

–The GahFatha

By Will Strickland

Sometimes, when we speak of Fatherhood, we often forget a very key element in the process: the Woman.  Married or unmarried, together or apart, the very narrative built and born within this child is rooted in the essence of the relationship between the two Life Givers.  The health of the relationship – or the lack thereof – between the two can determine the course of the Life of the Child, for good or for bad…

This is for You…and Me

If You Could Hear What My Soul Is Saying…

Heart Sounds…

I loved you for so long that I know the sound your heart makes when I throw verbal blows that cause your face to ever so subtly twist in pain…

And I am wrong…

You are struggling so hard to keep your head above water dealing with me, Love…

And I am tryin’ to turn the faucet on, full blast.  I am sorry…but I’m hoping you can swim.

Giving you every reason NOT to believe in what My Soul was trying to create…make it a real life force to reckon with…

But I just kept messing with the picture you were trying to paint.  You said you loved it, but you were growing indifferent…and fast!

Maybe the truth was you saw no value…

Insecurity is a weakness that destroys men and the women who love them.

It makes it hard to recognize what’s genuine and what’s not…And it exposes Boys when the sh*t Life dishes gets too hot…

And I am wrong for faulting you for being something you are not

I have yet to break that mental barrier.  The Rites of Passage Program is supposed to help me become a carrier of the race… Yet I stand in the faces of everyone I know like I am living the right way.

They must know I am not… Don’t have the energy to call them out, too.  The charade I carried out meant I didn’t give a damn… And we weren’t going be anything… Though I claimed otherwise…

The song I sang was limited… The lyrics were played…And you are/were angry you stayed

But I am sorry… NOW… this time… AGAIN!

No… You are sorry… Sorry because you tried to show me how this picture really looks.

You are just an imperfect woman seeking righteous salvation through your Life… to make a difference… in mine, too!  Building a foundation is your main motivation. My interpretation is mine, not yours.

And I apologize for putting pressure on you to help me when I didn’t truly care to help myself or help you build US on this fertile ground.

I am sorry that I may not be around for you to see the seeds you planted within me grow to maturation…  Righteousness, honesty and truth will be born unto me…They will set the example for me to see what I should have been doing all along.

Reality hurts and can be brutally open and unnerving… Honesty, truth and righteousness will deal with me on the justice level.

This is not for you to do… You have guided me this far.

Only they will bring change to my heart…

They will have loved me for so long when I have rejected them that they will know the sound my heart makes when they throw verbal blows that make my face ever so subtly twist in pain.

And they will be right…

See, I am struggling so hard to keep my head above water…And they will be turning the faucet on, full blast.

And they will be sorry, because they know I can swim…

In the midst of our Cold Winter, I finally learned that in you, there is an Invincible Summer…

You know the résumé for the day… Darts or Flowers…Stay tuned for the final installment in the series…..