By Geena Lee

Have you ever been in a relationship with a jealous person? Or do you get jealous when you’re in a relationship? Sometimes feelings of jealousy creep up on you out of nowhere.  Maybe because your partner is still in touch with their ex, or when you’re out in public they get a lot of attention from ‘potential competition’, and it puts you on edge.  Or maybe it’s your partner that gets a bit antsy every time you talk to someone of the opposite sex, or decide to have a night out with your friends.  None of us are immune from the emotion of jealousy, but it’s something that we should be vigilant in avoiding, as it can ruin a relationship very quickly if allowed to fester.

The best way to get rid of jealousy is to get to the root of why you feel the way you do.  What are the triggers? Identify and nullify them. Let’s go back to the example of the ex.  Say your partner still talks to their ex, and that makes you uncomfortable.  You need to communicate that to them and find a solution.  If it’s not possible for them to stop talking to their ex, say because they have a child with them, then they need to be open with you about the nature of their contact.  If you know exactly what they’re talking about, (speakerphone is great for this) then you don’t have to entertain any jealous thoughts based on assumptions.  I know of couples who give each other the passwords to their phone, email, Facebook and Twitter accounts, so that there is complete transparency between them. Not everyone would feel comfortable doing this, but it’s an option in the quest to build trust.

Trust.  That’s really the issue with jealousy isn’t it?  Not trusting that your partner is truthful, faithful.  Not trusting that you are worthy of being truthful and faithful to.  Those who don’t trust, like to control.  If I can’t trust that you’ll be faithful to me, then I’ll make you be faithful.  What manifests out of that is a paranoia that poisons. Here comes the constant phone calls and texts with the “Where are you, who are you with? Why didn’t you call me back?” Then it’s the “Were you looking at her/him? You’re cheating on me aren’t you? Just admit it, I know you’re lying, you won’t look me in the eye!”… Yeah, not pretty.

Don’t feed the green-eyed monster, it will devour you eventually.  However, when it starts to lash its tail, don’t ignore it either.  If you find yourself getting jealous often in your relationship, it could be because there is a reason to be suspicious! Or maybe there is something your partner is deliberately doing to put you in a position of insecurity.  Some people like to use that emotion as a way of manipulation in order to keep a person attached to them. It’s an unhealthy way to orchestrate a relationship, and it’s bound to backfire eventually.

When it comes to jealousy, you really have to look at everything with a clear vision and evaluate whether you are just being too paranoid or if there’s a more sinister situation at play.  Trust your instincts, and if you have levelheaded friends, see if you can get an objective perspective.  Again, let your partner know how you’re feeling, because if someone loves you, they will do all they can to make sure you feel secure in that love.  We all come with a history of past hurts, so what may seem innocent to them, may be a red flag to you, so you have to find a common ground that you can both stand on.  Jealousy is a seed that you don’t want to water in a relationship, it’ll become a weed that will choke the life out of anything you grow together, so the minute you see it sprout, pluck it out!

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.

By Geena Lee

Have you ever noticed that you consistently date the same type of personality or end up in the same kinds of relationships?  No matter how much you swear you won’t end up in a similar situation, you find yourself doing just that?  Or do you find that the course of your relationships always seem to take a particular path, almost without you being aware of it, until it’s too late?  All that, my friend, is called a pattern.

As human beings we are creatures of habit, and with habits come patterns.  But what creates the habit?  I’d say it’s our past experiences and how we’ve internalized them.  Let’s look at some simple examples: say you touched a pot that was too hot and you got burned, so now you have a habit of wearing oven mitts before handling anything on the stove.  Or when you missed out on an important opportunity because you were late, you later developed the habit of always being early. Makes sense right?  Now when it comes to the habits we express in relationships, it’s not as sensible, at least at first glance.

For instance, we may often get into the habit of doing jealous, controlling things in a relationship, like always keeping tabs on every step your partner takes, because in the past you’ve experienced betrayal.  Then you develop a pattern of mistrust and doubt and it becomes the only way you can operate in a relationship.  What’s even more dangerous is when we start choosing partners who have already exhibited untrustworthy behaviour, because subconsciously we are programmed to deal with that type of drama, so you go with what you know, while still crying about the fact that you keep doing so.

Habits are choices we make repeatedly, and in repetition emerges a pattern.  So if you want to find out what your pattern is, where it stems from and where it’s leading you, it’s time to put on your detective cap and go searching for those habits.  Discover what it is that you consistently do when in a relationship, especially when you’re emotionally triggered by something.  Once you’ve found that habit, it’s time to do the deeper digging and find out the past experience that it’s connected to.  Is it a fear of rejection or abandonment? A need for validation and approval? All of which boils down to a need for love doesn’t it?  But as you no doubt know, we sometimes have warped ways of getting what we want.

As you embark on your soul searching, here are a few keys that may unlock some doors along your journey.  When I say look into past experiences, look really far back, I’m talking all the way to childhood.  Because guess what, any unresolved issues you’ve had with your parents or parental figures in your life will manifest themselves into your relationships.  It’s often said that since our first relationships were formed with family, we tend to seek similar relationships in our adult life, and become drawn to certain personality types who will serve to re-enact the issues that were never resolved.

When we acknowledge the psychological impact that our past has on our current relationships, we can better spot the habits that stem from it, allowing us to pick apart the pattern that leads us down the road to disaster.

It really takes a conscious effort to transform habits that have become ingrained into who you are, but once you decide that they are no longer working for you, change is inevitable.  You’ll need to be dedicated and vigilant with yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Seeing a therapist or talking to a close friend who can help you spot the problematic patterns will give good insight into how you got into them in the first place.  Also, speaking to someone about those past painful experiences will help to finally deal with those issues in a way that doesn’t have to negatively impact your relationships.

We can’t control what happened to us in our past relationships, but we can have power over how move in the ones we have now and will have in the future. Unravel the pattern that is holding you trapped and make a new one.  Think about it, if you’ve been unconsciously falling into the same type of dysfunctional relationship over and over, imagine the kind of relationships you will have, now that you’re consciously creating a pattern that will bring you the peace you desire and the love you deserve.

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Dear Rachael-Lea,

I have a girlfriend at work who just celebrated a 10-year anniversary with her husband. We are very close, but I don’t really know her husband. I see him at company parties or during the occasional times when I drop her off at home.

A few years back, she confided that a friend told her that she saw her husband with another woman. He denied it. She got mad and cut off her friendship with that friend. Well, recently I was at a party and I thought my eyes were deceiving me. I saw my friend’s husband across the room kissing a woman who wasn’t my friend! To make matters worse, I bumped into them and he introduced this woman to me. I glared at him, but was speechless. The question is, do I tell her and risk being cut off like her other friend?

Signed,
Friend’s Husband Has No Shame

Dear FHHNS,

Well, that takes ‘jerk’ to a whole other level! But, she believed him the first time, why wouldn’t she believe him again? To put it in your face, however, is not only disrespecting his wife but also disrespecting you. He knows he has now put you in a terrible position. And this man, quite frankly, doesn’t seem to care.

Question is: Are you willing to protect this woman at all costs? Be prepared to lose the friendship if you speak up, and be prepared to struggle with your own integrity if you don’t. I couldn’t live knowing that I held this back from a good friend. Sometimes, you have to love someone knowing that you’ll lose him or her. Tell her as gently as you can. This will hurt her. But it will hurt her more if she stays with a man who doesn’t deserve her trust. If she accepts your truth, she’ll return to the friendship. If she thinks you’re telling a lie, say a prayer for her and hope it runs its course!

Rachael-Lea answers your most difficult love queries

Dear Rachael-Lea,

I’ve been single for a couple of months now and looking back at my last relationship makes me angry.

The guy I was with left me, and this seems like a reoccurring pattern with me. I meet a guy, we connect, he really seems to be into me and when I bring up getting serious, he says he’s not ready. What makes things worse is that he always seems to settle down with the next woman he dates. I feel like I am a test run for these men. All the work I put into nurturing and being there for them doesn’t seem appreciated.

Is there something wrong with this picture?

Signed,
The Trial Run

Dear TR,
I’ve been blessed to have men in my life who give me the straight goods when it comes to how men think. Although men naturally look for a nurturing and loving woman, they also say that sometimes being too comfortable too quickly moves you from lover to chum — fast. Men pick up when you’re settling and that’s not sexy. Men appreciate a good chase, and it seems that they know they don’t have to chase you.

You need to look at the patterns you’re repeating with these men. It’s time to change your game plan. Rather than always looking at what they need, focus on what you need. The next time a man starts hemming and hawing, take off your running shoes and let him run on his own. You are not a test drive for anyone!

By Geena Lee

Sometimes I wonder if I’m naïve, when it comes to love.  All the advice I give, and hope I have, the belief I have in love…are they just the romantic musings of someone who’s seen too many rom-coms and read too many novels with happily-ever-after endings?  As I write words of faith and trust, of working to make relationships work, a little bitter voice cackles in the far reaches of my mind, asking, “Do you really believe in all that you say?  Is there really such a thing as happily ever after?”

When I witness the pain some of my friends have gone through in the name of love – lies, abuse, neglect; even when I recall my own horror stories…what the heck do I have to be so enthusiastic about?  Am I leading folks astray by saying finding ‘the one’, and keeping them, can be done?  Is there a reality I’m not aware of, in which love does not conquer all?  What do I personally have to show, to say that it does?

When you’re not sure of the direction you’re going in, whether you’re suited for the path you have taken in life, I’ve found the best way to get perspective is to imagine yourself at the extreme opposite of your current position.  So at this point of feeling self-doubt, I’ve decided to entertain for a moment how my life would be if I dropped my rose-coloured glasses and took everything with quite a few grains of salt.

First, I would stop believing in the concept of love, and view relationship partners as nothing more than parasites.  I would keep to myself, never going on dates or engaging in any interaction that was not strictly platonic.  I would keep my heart fiercely guarded, never letting anyone in.  To do that effectively I would have to make sure I didn’t share anything remotely personal or emotional, as that would make me vulnerable.  No one could hurt me, take advantage of me…fool me.  I’d be wise now, because after all, love is just a myth, a flower that fails to bloom.  Since I’d no longer believe in love and the possibility of sharing my life with a so-called soulmate, I would just focus on the more intellectual aspects of life. Living in my head, not my heart.

Sheesh. I don’t want to live like that. But you know what?   A lot of us have decided to.  We’ve given up.  We’ve seen and experienced too many love gone wrong stories to believe in love ever going right.  We’ve withdrawn from the dance because we’re tired of having our feet stepped on.  But as you sit on the sidelines, does that make you feel better? Safer?  It may at first, but not for long.  It’s okay to take a break from the love arena when your heart gets weary; it’s important to have that time to reflect and recharge, but to forgo love altogether is to deny yourself an important element of life itself.

You can’t love only yourself and not anyone else, just as you can’t love anyone else without loving yourself.   You’ll only stunt your own growth if you disrupt the balance of that equation. One builds on the other, and to build anything, takes work.  You just can’t escape it.  And it’s not meant to be all heartache, or else what’s the point.  Everyone deserves to love, and to be loved.

I am by no means a therapist, an expert or guru; just a woman who’s not afraid to love or to believe in the power that love has to transform and enrich lives.  A big part of experiencing love is believing in it, and if you have people in your life who believe in it too, then that’s enough to keep you from being totally jaded and bitter.  My life is so much better when there’s love in it; and even though there are times when I feel frustrated and pessimistic about relationships, I couldn’t see myself being able to live with the alternative.  So if believing in love is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.

By Geena Lee

We’re often our own harshest critics. How many times have you called yourself stupid? Nobody can beat you up better than you can.  Especially when it comes to relationships gone wrong.

After the break-up, you’re sitting there with all the ‘coulda woulda shoulda’s swirling within your mind, each one giving a vicious slap to your self-esteem.  When things don’t turn out the way you thought they would, and the one you thought was the one is well, not the one, it can make you feel kind of dumb.

Even if you were the one who broke it off, you can still feel embarrassed that you made a decision to be in that relationship in the first place; look how it turned out, what were you thinking? Even when we are blindsided by a betrayal, we still feel stupid.  ‘Why didn’t I know? This person made a fool of me!’

These torturous thoughts are debilitating and dangerous, for they can send you spiralling into a depression that can be very difficult to get out of.  You can get trapped in memories of what went wrong and when, putting together a case of prosecution against yourself.  Trust me; I know what I’m talking about.  I’m as analytical as they come; I go over every word, every action…in every detail.  I place such a high standard on myself that when things don’t go well, I immediately scrutinize myself to see what I did wrong, what I could have done better.  But if I catch myself starting to feel stupid, I pull back by reminding myself that I’m not stupid, I’m a student.  There was a lesson to be learned in the experience, no matter how painful or enraging it was.

Are you a quick learner when it comes to love? Or do you keep repeating the same lesson over and over again?  It’s okay if you don’t get it the first time, a willing student can never be called stupid, because by being willing to learn, that’s the smartest thing you can do, no matter how many times you seem to fail.

The key is to be compassionate with ourselves, we’re learning! Do you call a baby who doesn’t know how to walk yet, stupid?  No, because they’re learning! We are all learning our love lessons, some have it harder than others, but we all deserve a gold star for trying.  It isn’t exactly a science, this love thing.  There’s no one right or wrong way to go about it; the love experience is as varied as the people who decide to be a part of it.

If you’ve been burned by the proverbial flame of love, don’t punish yourself for diving into the fire, or else those scars won’t heal, and guess what, you’ll keep getting burned until you learn that lesson.  So how do you learn a lesson? You get in the right frame of mind, one free of self-judgement and criticism.  We all become vulnerable when we step into love, and are prone to doing some pretty silly things when under its spell, so don’t be too hard on yourself for it.  After all, that’s why they say only fools fall in love.

DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer

By Geena Lee

Head to the ‘Relationship’ section of any bookstore and you’ll find shelves full of various guides on how to catch your heart’s desire.  There are rules to follow, tricks to play, tests to give, all outlining a dance that if done correctly, will spin you right into the arms of Mr. or Ms. Right.  My first reaction to books like these is to wonder, ‘since when has love become a game’? And ‘is love really that complicated’?

When I ask happily married couples how they came to be together, the common thread I’ve found is that it was a natural, easy-going occurrence.  They met each other, felt a connection, and just went with it.  I hear a lot of ‘I just knew that s/he was the one’ or ‘It just felt right’.  They didn’t have to play any cat and mouse games or fill out questionnaires in a magazine to figure out their compatibility.  They were just honest and straightforward with their feelings.

When you’re single and looking, especially if it’s been for a long while, it’s only logical to start wondering if maybe there’s something you should be doing differently in order to find the right partner.  We start to analyze everything when dating.  What did it mean when she did this?  What did it mean when he said that?  What should I do so that he knows I’m a good catch?  It turns something that should be enjoyable into an intense practical exam where failure is not an option.  Every word, every action, every facial expression becomes loaded and full of a myriad of meanings that must be deciphered and/or manipulated to bring about the results you desire.  This is where the head games come into play, particularly the ‘back and forth, push and pull’ dance that leaves you feeling dizzy and confused.

Actually, it’s not very accurate to call it a game, when no one is having fun.  Well maybe one person is, but I’m sure the other isn’t too happy.  Are games even necessary when getting to know a person?  When trying to see if a potential love measures up in faith and character, little tests may prove useful.  After all, it’s important to find out all the things that matter to you in regards to compatibility. However, you shouldn’t have to orchestrate a complicated game to do so.

If you look for it, you’ll find out all you need to know about a person in how they interact with you and others; especially when you’ve given yourself enough time to observe them in various situations and scenarios.  I guess having a test speeds all that up, but what happens when they find out you’ve treated them like a mouse in a maze, seeing how they made it to the cheese?  And what if both sides are playing games? How can they let their guard down and just be themselves?  Just thinking about it makes my head ache.  I’m not one for emotional rollercoasters, and for me games equal drama.

There’s a difference between being playful and being manipulative, and if that’s how you get into a relationship, you may not like where it leads. Whenever you play a game, someone ends up losing, and it just might be you.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’

By Geena Lee

They say that there’s a thin line between love and hate.  And the reason for that is, once you allow someone into your heart, and love them with all your being, that same passion and energy can mutate into hate when things go sour.  A great deal of that hate is really just anger.  Anger at the person, anger at the situation, anger at yourself for being in the situation.  This anger can last long after the relationship ends, and if you don’t get rid of it, it will affect the relationships you have in the future, and it may even prevent you from starting any new ones.

So how do you get rid of that anger?  You gotta forgive.  Yes, I know it’s easier said than done, but it must be done.  Best to knock that chip off your shoulder before it takes root and grows into a big old tree of resentment and bitterness.  Either you labour to get your heart right, or you forever struggle with the pain of never letting those wounds heal, and guess what, you’ll end up hurting others too.  So think of the journey of forgiveness as not only a gift to yourself, but to the person who you will eventually have in your life; they get to have a wonderfully balanced and sane individual with no baggage.  And you get to enjoy a relationship that doesn’t live in the shade of past pain.

To forgive someone who did you wrong is hard because it may feel like you’re letting them get away with it.  But you’re not letting them off the hook, you’re just freeing yourself.  If you have strong anger and hate towards someone, they’ll always be attached to you, and even if they’re no longer in your life, they’re still in your head and your heart, taking up space and seeping poison into your spirit.  It may feel good to hate someone, to declare “I’ll never forgive you for what you’ve done to me”, but the thing is, you are condemning yourself in their sentence.

Hate and anger requires energy and commitment, believe it or not. You have to remember all the reasons why you’re angry, and why this person deserves your hate, and that’s exhausting.   By re-living all the wrongs, you’ll never get your head right, and you’ll be weighed down in your heart.  It’s very easy to get jaded when someone you love has hurt or betrayed you.  One of the most effective ways of healing and moving on is to forgive them.

If you can’t bear to see the person, or talk to them in person, write them a letter.  Even if you never send it to them, it will be an incredible relief to just get it all out.  For the very last time, you can list all the wrongs, how it affected you and how you plan to move forward from here.  And then you forgive them, you TRULY forgive them. You release them from your life…release them from your heart.  Because you know what?  They are human, and we humans hurt each other all the time.  And a lot of those times it’s because someone hurt us.  We cut each other with our broken bits, trying to make things fit.  It takes a lot to admit our faults and to work through them, but having hate and anger in our hearts won’t help that process.  So remember the good times you’ve had, reflect on the lessons you’ve learned and release the pain and anger.  Forgive, and free yourself.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’

By Geena Lee

No one likes being the ‘bad guy’, but there are times when we have to own up to our misdeeds and apologize.  Saying sorry when you’re in the wrong is a real test of pride and humility.

But for relationships to thrive, we have to be willing to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness in order to forge ahead onto better pastures.  It’s easy to revert to the childish stance of “I’M not saying sorry until YOU say sorry”, or to rely on the old passive aggressive line; “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong”.  Drop all that.  If you really want to repair a relationship that’s on the rocks, you have to leave your ego at the door and acknowledge your faults.

So if you’ve done and/or said something that has hurt your significant other, and you sincerely want to apologize, here are a few tips on how to do it effectively.  First, assess the situation:

• How bad is the fall-out?
• Is your partner not talking to you at all?
• Are they open to communication?

You’ll need to decide the best way to reach out, whether it’s by email, phone or in-person.  While it’s important to allow some time for both sides to cool off, don’t wait too long to give your apology, or you’ll be met with a much higher wall of resentment.  Since you are the offender, you have to respect your partner’s space and the pace they set for the interaction.  You can’t shove an apology down their ears if they’re not ready to hear it yet, but you need to let them know that you’d like to speak to them; in-person if possible, so that you can apologize.

Saying the word ‘sorry’ is not difficult, it’s the circumstances that surround the reason for the apology that makes it challenging.  Not only is it a potentially embarrassing exercise, but it can be painful as well, because apologizing requires both of you to relive the ugly incident that took place.  That’s why so many run from making apologies or at best do half-hearted ‘make-up favours’ that don’t directly address what happened, but an apology is implied.  So it’s flowers, gifts, or just being extra nice and carrying on as if nothing happened, hoping your partner will take the hint and drop the issue.  Now gifts and niceties are well, nice, but be careful not to have those serve as a substitute for saying sorry. ‘Buying’ one’s way out of an apology sets up an unhealthy pattern in a relationship and does nothing to resolve the issue. If you want to get your partner a gift, or do something romantic for them as a way to make-up, save that for after the apology.

So let’s get to the bare bones of it.  How do you give a good apology?  Well there are some main points you need to hit.  First, be specific.  Break down exactly what you did wrong – what you said, what you did – and then acknowledge the fact that it hurt your partner.  Without offering any excuses, take ownership of your actions and claim responsibility for the role you played in the incident.  Right away, you’d have accomplished about 80% of the challenge; accepting responsibility is MAJOR, and your partner will appreciate that.  You could almost end there, but we won’t.  There are a couple finishing touches that will put the issue to rest and your relationship back on track.

After your detailed apology, include what I like to call a ‘forward statement’. Basically, state your intentions going forward from this point.  Make a promise to not repeat the offense, and since you already listed every painful point, you both know exactly what it is.  You can also ask for your partner’s patience towards this end, as it may take you a few tries to correct your behaviour.  Finally, ask for forgiveness.  You’ve laid it all on the line and put the power back in their hands. Again, this will test your pride, but if you love this person, it’s worth it.  Now if your partner decides that they are unable to forgive you, you have to accept that.  An apology doesn’t guarantee forgiveness; sometimes the damage we’ve done is irreversible.   The best you can do at that point is to forgive yourself, be at peace with the situation and be proud of yourself for at least being brave enough to say; “I’m sorry”.

‘DJ/producer/host of ‘The Lovezone with Geena Lee’ (www.geenalee.com), Geena is also a voice actor, media arts instructor and freelance writer.’