Father and son

Sway speaks with Black Daddies Club president Brandon Hay about relationships and being faithful

BY: Rachael-Lea Rickards

Do you think men were meant to be monogamous?
No, but I do think we are given messages, whether it be from religion or family, that make us believe that this is how it should be. I was speaking with some men in a barbershop the other day and one man said he doesn’t think men can be monogamous; another man piped in and said, “I’m more faithful to my barber than my wife.” It’s a tough question. I think all men in relationships want to be monogamous. I just don’t know if we were all meant to be.

Do you think Canadians look at monogamy differently than African and Caribbean communities?
I was raised by a single mom with half brothers and half sisters. My dad had multiple kids. Growing up in Jamaica for the first part of my life, monogamy was just not practiced. In no way am I saying that all Jamaicans are not practicing monogamy. I’m saying that in my household I didn’t see it. I sometimes wondered when I met a girl that there might be the slight possibility of her being a relative. The outside brothers and sister thing is just too common and it needs to stop.

Do you believe in the saying “what you don’t know won’t hurt you?”
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Before I got married and decided to commit to a monogamous relationship, I would cheat. Fortunately, my partner at the time decided to stick it through with me. I asked her afterwards if she would have preferred if I didn’t tell her; honestly, I think she would’ve rather not known. However, I do have a double standard here — I would definitely want to know if the roles were reversed.

What makes a man cheat?
Various reasons. Sometimes it’s just because he can. Men with power or great looks and money, those men have women throwing themselves at them all the time. Look at Bill Clinton and David Letterman, for example.

But what about the man who lives next door or the guy at the office?
For the everyday guy it is an opportunity that reveals itself. In my situation, we were friends. The physical was just the icing on the cake. She was a co-worker. I started to have easier conversations with this woman. I didn’t have to worry about breaking up a relationship or being judged. She was open to accepting who I was. She understood me. It was a mutual attraction and it was hot. Ultimately it was an escape.

As a father, do you feel it’s your duty to be monogamous?
I don’t know if it’s a duty. I grew up without a dad. It’s very important for me to keep the family unit together. It’s what drives me. Whether it’s when I’m working at the Black Daddies Club or just my day to day life. As far as being obligated, I’m human, I have imperfections. Just because I get married and have children, doesn’t mean I’m dead. It means I have bigger scales to use before I move forward with my actions.

What advice would you give men who are struggling with infidelity when they truly want to remain monogamous?
When I first started working through my infidelity issues, the first thing I could think of was to open the Bible. When I did, to be honest, although I did find some light from the scriptures, I often also walked away feeling like a heathen. I figured if I could create a space where men could talk, share and ask questions, I wouldn’t feel as alone, and neither would the men who came out to share. For that reason I created my first panel discussion event regarding this taboo topic “Monogamy: is it Relevant?” It’s time that our community starts talking and sharing and making changes together. We cover topics that are not talked about in the community and all we ask is that people come with an open mind.

- To find out more about the Black Daddies Club and upcoming events, visit blackdaddiesclub.com EMAIL: [email protected]